Saturday, September 25, 2021

Orville Introduces ‘Red’ Variety
Praise™ Food Substitute

The Orville Corporation, which sells Praise™, the “New Food Substitute,” is adding a rich red to its palette of nutriments. The company unveiled Praise™ Red™ this week, just in time for fall.
  Since Orville introduced original Praise™ to the international marketplace in 2021, the company has sold more than 25 million units of the foodstuff.
  “Based on the success of the original product, Orville expects the new colour to provide a boost to all sales,” said Orville spokesperson Tayna Van Wey.
  “The research and genesis behind this concept was 100 percent focused on the kids. As parents know, it’s difficult to keep them entertained.”
  Orville asked children for ideas on how to make food substitutes more fun. Not surprisingly, they suggested a fun colour and flavour.
  “Red flavour” was the top choice amongst five-year-olds. Orville may switch to blue later on “to keep the idea fresh,” Van Wey said.
  Praise™ Red™ is a strong product for Orville because it keeps young consumers’ tastes in mind, Van Wey said.
  Orville said the product tested well with focus mums, with over half of them saying they would make their kids eat it.
  Ideally, Van Wey said, every household will buy two units of Praise™ — a ‘safe’ one for adults and a radical red one for the kids.
  “It’s not mum and dad’s food substitute,” she said. “If parents think it’s a little weird, that’s all the better for the kids. And for Orville.”

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Praise™ Aerosol Nutriment Continues Uphill Battle Overseas

The Orville Corporation remains steadfast in pushing ahead their overseas campaign for Praise™ Aerosol Nutriment in the face of growing criticism.
  “Critics have always had their ‘elf and safety’ gripes,” says CEO Johnny Gutts, “but our distribution complies with all applicable laws and regs.”
  Gutts does not mince words.
  “Because of these ponces and their ‘world trade’ racket, Orville is forced to limit our overseas shipping of Praise™ to Caribbean slums, the Mideast, and despotic African ****holes — no offence, UAP!”
  Orville is no stranger to controversy, as their Therianthropic Therapeutics services (recombinant DNA salons) were forced to relocate overseas in 2014, as well as many of their forays in neurohacking and certain Punge Procedurals.
  Piracy and smuggling of Praise™ and other Orville products also continues to be a concern for the trans-global corporation. Gutts doesn’t rule out taking harsher measures in response.
  “The Burcad Badeed of the seas and the Almuharibin of the sands indeed know a good thing. Still though, gonna have to call the Allied Pungeoning Front to deal with these international incidents. Gotten our hands dirty before — not afraid to do it again.”

Sunday, September 19, 2021

Cue for the Flavours: Assortment δ

“Remember that time we were all at that restaurant and Chief ordered pink lemonade? Everyone just looked at him like ‘WTF?’ and he cringed and just muttered, ‘Jeezus…’”
House Brand Grape Soda: This is the can, man. Another essence (along with the attendant Wurzelbier and Birkenbier) hearkens back to the waning summer weekend at Lac des Cloches.
And speaking of grape, ‘The Gardener’ would enjoy Traubensaft with old Mrs Corbett on her porch as they both wondered about the fortuities of life. When he returned and was notified that she had passed away, he asked, “Was she a hunnert years old?” to which her son replied, “Yes.”

Saturday, September 18, 2021