The Pungeoning

Saturday, April 11, 2026

Tambureggiamento Gluteo del Picide

Being a mischievous lad, it was natural for the impish imagination of Gass-Boy to conjure a compelling concetto assurdo.
By visually juxtaposing the saucy stunts of a picoid anthropomorph within a context of bawdy adult horseplay, laughs were easily elicited amongst the furley youth of Wicewudu.
Of course, in catching wind of this junior waggery, Mrs Nuveti couldn’t resist a performative scolding aimed at the slightest titter.
No matter. Even the whelps of Wicewudu could smell the cheap grace of neighbourhood melodrama. They laughed at Mrs Nuveti, and laughed some more at Gass-Boy’s colourful ideation.

Tuesday, March 31, 2026

City Passes Single File Pedestrian Ordinance for ‘People of Girth’

DATELINE: Heritageville, Stratum LIII

The Heritageville City Council approved an ordinance amendment that will prohibit “people of girth” from obstructing pedestrian foot traffic on local sidewalks (55-G-1101).
The amendment was urged on by local activist Jared Gutts, who has voiced concerns about “fatties blocking the sidewalk” — a tendentious issue often raised the last several years.
City Manager Jared Staylee says the feedback from residents and local businesses was overwhelmingly positive.
“We’ve listened, deliberated, and engaged with the public and the result is a balanced ordinance that brings consideration and respect to all Heritagevillains,” said Staylee.

Ordinance Amendment 55-G-1101 Excerpts:

AMENDING Chapter 55-G-11.01, Obstructions in Streets and Sidewalks
NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT HEREBY ORDAINED BY THE MAYOR AND COUNCIL OF HERITAGEVILLE THAT:
(A) No person shall be allowed or permitted to obstruct any sidewalk or street in the city by usage of a person’s girth, whether stationary or mobile unless otherwise provided in the Code.
The actions of Persons of Girth must be maintained in a manner that meets the following standards:
a. A clear path for pedestrian travel with a minimum of two meters (2.0m) is provided and access to public sidewalks or doorways is not obstructed.
[...]
SECTION 3.2 DEFINITIONS OF SPECIFIC TERMS AND WORDS
GIRTH. The measurement around a person’s body, acting as a synonym for circumference or bulk, and thus extrapolated to a measurable side-to-side width.
GIRTH, PERSON OF. A person with a physical impairment which substantially limits independent mobility and motility with regard to their physical encroachment upon the public’s right of way.
[...]
SECTION 8: PENALTIES
1. Any person, agent, or representative thereof, who violates any provisions of this ordinance, will, upon conviction, be subject to the following penalties:
a. A fine not to exceed two hundred fifty quatloos (Q250) per day;
b. Imprisonment in the county pokey for a term not exceeding sixty (60) days; or provisional detention in municipality-approved fat farm until a mental and/or physical awareness programme has been completed;
[...]

Anticipating a backlash, a citizens advisory group has been formed by Mr Gutts. “Pedestrians for Access Positivity” (P.A.P.) will guide People of Girth in using city sidewalks without violating the ordinance or causing inconvenience to more considerate members of the public.
The “Single File with a Smile” initiative created by P.A.P. is meant to inspire People of Girth to walk single file and to empower the more leptogenic citizens with improved pedestrian mobility.
When asked if he has any future improvements in mind for Heritageville, Gutts pondered for a moment before suggesting, “Maybe converting some of our city buses into cattle cars would alleviate more mobility issues for those in need.”