Saturday, February 26, 2022

Classic City Arcade 0222


FKT Haus laid to waste...
Drillskull, Omar, and Mr Petrah making rare in-town appearance for naan music...
Lester driving stakes on the job site in Esquinas Cheroqui...
Mr Dutch receiving toast on social media... Mr Zack hobnobbing with retired Braves players...

Friday, February 25, 2022

“The Best Friend”

Sixty-six gifts for you alone
on that special day of giving
General Tso and ’za for brekky
at 12 years makes 12 stone
No books and no school
(save for the $4K Pre-K)
Outdoor Lurgy in the sea and air
plastic castle hath pleasant seats
Telescreen in every room
assures mental rot as well
The gift of shirinugui
shows he cares that much
Migliore amico isn’t raising a man
but conditioning human veal
Crate-training his own
nursemaid for tomorrow

Tuesday, February 22, 2022

Orville’s “Corporate Shuffle” Team-Building Programme

Corporate teams are not united like they used to be.
  Global pandemics, media infotoxins, and mass formation psychoses have led to employee disconnection.

Employees feel disconnected from your team, your company, and your planet.
  When your employees’ minds aren’t at full focus, they don’t get the braintime and connection they internally desire.

Your employees deserve an awesome company culture.
  Company culture is one of your greatest assets and you can control it. We can help you build a Brain Trust instead of a Talent Vacuum!

Unite Your Pawns Across the Corporate Chessboard!

You want your company to be a great place to work! In order to do that you need a company culture that knows how to work well together whilst having fun in the process. The problem is your teams synergise with too much churn and don’t dive deep enough to get their ducks in a row.
  Orville understands what you’re going through — we rebuilt our company culture when our office went fully interplanetary. Our team has connected people through amusement and fun for over 13 years.
  Orville’s “Corporate Shuffle” Team-Building Programme is guaranteed to move the needle for your company culture in going forward. Some Relevant Activities offered are Synergy Workshops, Cold Call Carousals, and Friday afternoon Bouncy Castle.
  Reach out and book a meeting today. And stop worrying about your bottom line and instead focus on becoming a great place to work!

Saturday, February 12, 2022

Les pygmées du Kivu ne sont pas impressionnés.

“You don’t care, maan! You don’t care!”

Let’s take a step back.

  In one’s daily travails one is almost as likely to chance upon the moral grandstanding of acquaintances in public as they are on social media with strangers. It doesn’t make the in-person encounter any less distasteful though.

“You don’t care, maan!”

“Well, Dave, of the fifty or so people in this room, we’re probably the only two currently aware of the Deuxième Guerre du Congo. So there’s fifty other opportunities here for you to score more ego validation points than wasting my time with cheap grace.”


  Much like the Manatoid Issue, mock concern over third world conflicts is just a cheap rhetorical device, not meant to persuade with saccharine or vinegar, but to shame someone by pulling aspersions out of thin air. “Dave” isn’t one-upping himself over you — he’s one-downing you under him.
  Actually, this is more insufferable than online slacktivists, whom you can merely ignore. In meatspace, you can put a face onto the performative bluster of boutique delusions and confected outrage and respond with the qualitative distinction of public ridicule. Let them burn the calories while everyone else points and laughs.
  It’s like that fellow running around Town Square with bunny ears and a clipboard accosting people about Giving to The Cause:
Dude, if you don’t take yourself seriously, why should we?

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Flashback: “Trust Your Betters!”

DATELINE: Classic City, circa Stratum XXI

  Headquartered in a modest facility on Barney Scholl’s Road, local cash-grabbing mediocretins known as the BubbaCabal strived to squeeze Classic City citizens for their hard-earned dough, and perhaps their sanity to boot.
  The BBACBL’s Triarchy of unctuous usurers, mendacious motor techs, and blowhard bailsmen — along with their Fringe Banker muckers and revolving-door flock of managerial buffoons — indeed had heady dreams of media manipulation, bench mumming, and community diktät by the big fish themselves piddling in their own small pond.
  Though they tried to put on a public-friendly face under such façades as the “Fruit Bat 100 Club,” “Blue Haus Productions” and the S.S. Reverend Resbo, few swallowed their inane infotoxins. After all, these are the geniuses who thought that buying media outlets would deliver cash cows that would milk themselves. Well, that udder was bone-dry well before the cattle left the barn door.
  The Elder Owls — the true old-school power wielders in Classic City — shrugged and rolled their eyes at the follies of BBACBL. Even their acolytes of the Augean Lodge knew that dog wouldn’t hunt.
  The Allied Pungeoning Front had protracted battles over the years with the BubbaCabal, but finally came to see that a hands-off stance would actually expedite their foe’s self-destruction. The APF didn’t even have to call in their “big guns” before BBACBL disintegrated into pink dust.
  Today, citizens of Classic City can breathe easy knowing BBACBL is no longer around to fudge with their sundaes.

Tuesday, February 08, 2022

APF Approves Limited Release of
‘Project: Horloge’ Details to Public

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Allied Pungeoning Front, under the aegis of the Orville Corporation, has recently made information regarding Project: Horloge available to the public. The authorised disclosure of previously classified information can no longer reasonably be expected to cause damage to corporate security. Internal panels have concluded that assigning a declassified status to stateside sections of Project: Horloge poses no credible threat due to Orville’s monopoly on exotic metamaterials under treaty agreements with United Planets liaisons.

In the late 20th century, the Orville Corporation’s Atlantic Geo-Resonance Surveys accidentally discovered three nano-singularities measuring under 1000 angstroms each, spatially and geophysically fixed worldwide. Project: Horloge was created soon after to research and safeguard Remembered History under agreed-upon Rules of Causality.
  Orville’s Road Street facility is the only one of three on Earth that has been acknowledged through soft disclosure to house one of these “micro black holes.”
  Stability is maintained through quantised gaps between its energy levels using a mercury plasma reactor. The operating reactor creates points of entry in spacetime fluctuations and abutting branes which can be temporally accessed using unified field operator-valued variables in conjunction with superdense coding algorithms. This is the key to accessing chronological destinations.
  Certain proprietary metamaterials dampen the gravitic/magnetic disruption produced within the reactor’s temporal event horizon. The entire reactor, control assembly and human transport interface are contained under Geodesic Dome B (“quantum clean sphere”) at the complex, shielded from any ionising radiation. Nonetheless, physiological and psychological side effects of time displacement as well as Oneirophrenic Venn Conflicts in chrononauts continue to be a risk. Remote field monitoring protocols remain in place for the time being for all CHRONO Ops.
  Though several Temporal Audits were released prematurely, more will be made available to the public in due time.