Mrs. Bilcoe Urges New Noise Ordinance

Mrs. Bilcoe’s “I Have Thoughts” column originally ran in the weekly Heritageville Observer from Stratum XXIII-XXIV and was much beloved in the community. Selected columns are reprinted here for your edification.

Listen! Do you hear that? It’s those neighbour kids on their “skating boards” flying down the street!
  I have told them repeatedly that I take my naps at 1:00, 3:00, and 6:30 p.m. and I do not like to be disturbed. But those contraptions they ride make such a racket. Why do they have to be such a nuisance?
  I have thoughts.
  Last year I told that Jared Gutts kid what a ne’er-do-well he and his “skate board” buddies were, and they just laughed at me! This is just their revenge!
  I have it on pretty good authority from my neighbour Egberto, who works on the assembly lines down at the Orville plant (He also mows my lawn) — he says ball bearings play a large part in that infernal sound I hear.
  Wait! He knows a lot about these ball bearings, and he works at Orville, where Johnny Gutts is CEO. That Jared Gutts kid must’ve told his uncle, who no doubt installed ball bearings on these “skate boards” to be sold locally, knowing the sound would constantly wake me up!
  I am going to have a sit-down with our city commission tout suite and start local legislation that will bring those Gutts fellows to shame!
  ’Later!

[Editor’s Note: Orville Corporation representatives contacted us to clarify that 1.) Whilst they do indeed manufacture ball bearings, all production facilities are overseas; 2.) The Orville Corporation has tested hoverboard prototypes, however they have never produced nor sold any actual skateboards; and 3.) Mrs. Bilcoe is a crank.]