The Self-Lionisation of Ms. Five

In his college days, “Five” was perceived as quite the dweebish fellow, mainly because he was, in fact, a dweeb. Just socially awkward enough to repel immediate company at any given moment, yet he was self-satisfied enough to avoid self-betterment beyond any narcissistic concerns. His penchant for showing up in cape and goggles as a self-styled superhero was met with wry amusement by the gang down at Vesterino’s, as the mien of Five’s alter ego was wry and tongue-in-cheek itself. But it garnered him attention he would not find elsewhere. Better than nothing, right? Suffice to say, his luck with the ladies was practically nil, with one exception (and emphasis here on the word ‘luck’).

  From a distance, Angata might have turned heads on campus, with her shapely front (and admittedly flat back, as is common in Midwestern phenotypes). But in true bakku-shan form, she had the stony countenance of a Rapa Nui moái wearing a blonde wig.
  “Here’s ten bucks for each of you,” Five told his flatmates Manford and Stoddard. “Angata’s coming over tonight so you guys gotta crash somewhere else. Bye!”

  Days later: “It was great, guys,” Five crowed to his friends. “It was so great, she wrote to her mum about how great it was. Because it was great!” Manford raised an eyebrow. (Overcompensation much?)
  “She wrote about how we were ‘swaying to the ancient rhythms, so timeless, yet so fresh,’” as Five depicted the evening’s events. The flatmates side-eyed each other with scepticism. Nice wordsmithing, but there’s no way to corroborate such a claim (without getting a slap to the face, one might imagine). As if they wanted to; it wouldn’t have changed anyone’s perception of Five — he was still a dweeb.
  The reality is that Five suffered from a particular Identity Disorder (diagnosed without dispute) and wore women’s clothing. No judgment from anyone, then or thenceforth, mind you. Nobody gave a damn about it because nobody gave a damn about Five.

  Years passed, and Five eventually made The Transition.
  But those old fogies at work couldn’t get over Five bringing his new persona to the office out of the blue, and he was wrongfully dismissed.
  Bad move, guys — these are the days where someone making a spectacle of themselves clearly takes priority over lousy job skills and decorum. And those priorities are legally actionable. But what an opportunity for a narcissist!
  So Five milked that case all the way to High Court to win plaudits from a media seeking the latest Victim of Society.
  Today Ms. Five can be found on social media as a self-proclaimed ‘civil rights pioneer’ and is no doubt lapping up the attention ‘they’ craved all those years. Strong and empowered!
  Maybe.
  But you’re still a dweeb — just one that chopped off his own dangly-bits.