Conspiracy theorists like to picture Hi-Couture diktats from the ritzy runways of Manhattan and Milan. But those are basically in-guild contests for effete fops to one-up each other whilst imagining that they’re Shocking the Squares. You’ll never see their “creations” out in public, let alone at the local clothes outlet. To many, fashion is just what happens to be hanging in the closet when they go to get dressed.
So again, why is it so bad today? Do we blame capital-F “Fashion” as an abstract entity or blame individuals who should know better but don’t?
Failures of Fashion?
It is presumed that a concept so timeless as fashion must have a social function. So let us examine common explanations and see if they still hold water in this current day.
A) “Self-Expression/Making a Statement” — Sounds great, but what “statement” were you thinking of making when you were half-asleep and just threw on the nearest garment? It couldn’t possibly be anything original, as your cultivated “look” took zero thought and subconsciously mimics the wardrobe of all your friends, therefore reinforcing stereotypes you claim to avoid.
B) “Breaking Norms” — Walking stereotypes aren’t exactly breaking norms, and breaking any norms for the sake of itself is just a reactionary performance when you lack a cogent reason. Taking a dump in the middle of Town Square is also “breaking norms,” but that doesn’t make it a good thing.
C) “Increases Self-Confidence” — If you say so. Psychologically speaking, Frame is an important mindset. That said, wilting under another’s voiced criticisms of your fashion choices is a sign of fragility, not confidence.
The above points may sound passionate, and thus ostensibly substantive, but as a certain Mr Gutts has shown us, passion is amoral, bringing us to...
D) “Accentuate Your Assets/Downplay Your Flaws” — This was the main undertone of fashion for the last century or so and served people well, notably as a self-marketing parlay for potential mate selection. But today the concept has been turned on its head: Yoga pants that draw attention to the cottage cheese buttock. Unrestrained gunt display that no amount of fabric can hide. Androgynous ambiguity meant to passive-aggressively bait the bemused. If intentional, again, these are shallow, reactionary performances; if not, unthoughtful slovenliness.
In sum, these defences are found wanting in this modern age.
How Did We Get Here?
In recent years, armchair activists have called for fashion police disbandment as snowflakes reaching adulthood increasingly chafe at aesthetic criticisms leveled against them. Older citizens with a lifelong blind spot for good taste also have echoed this sentiment.
“Defund the Fashion Police!” became a national rallying call to render any fashion judgement as null and void, whilst neutering any assessment as subjective, and therefore moot. Though the cry sounds defiant, claims of righteousness fall flat knowing that copium reserves have been declining for years, exacerbating extant neuroses in these social cohorts.
However well-intentioned, the movement has left people disaffected amid surging fashion atrocities. Years of sustained incredulity and disgust over aesthetic neglect have reignited public debate for fashion police reform.
Solutions with Familiar Faces
We need solutions to remedy these everyday eyesores. And Orville Corporation CEO Johnny Gutts is the thought leader with those solutions.
“Orville’s Community-Oriented Fashion Policing emphasises proactive problem solving, rather than responding to fashion iniquities after they occur.
“Our non-profit arms [such as ERS and SARC] have been working in disadvantaged fashion communities with such resources as Punge Procedurals, Fashion Hygiene Outreach, Mobile Makeover Units, and neighbourhood watch groups to ‘get people’s minds right.’ Parent Shaming and public Scold Patrols will only be used as a last resort henceforth.
“The bitter struggle between style and death is a real concern,” explains Gutts. “Not only for the fashion transgressor, but also for loved ones and strangers alike who must refrain from gouging out their own eyes when encountering these visual abominations.”
Orville’s Emotive Response System is also spearheading a “National Conversation on Fashion” to be held in various locations across the country. These conversations will build on understandings gained, deal with societal determinants, and increase awareness of visual aesthetics.
Jared Gutts, nephew of the Orville CEO, will host “rap sessions” on the importance of sustainable youth fashion. Amateur fashion shows with a “Good, Bad, and the Hideous” theme will also be held featuring commissioned apparel as well as volunteers off the street, applause meters, and crates of rotting vegetables for audience members to hurl at unacceptable attire. The traveling event debuts this summer in Heritageville where Johnny Gutts will give the keynote address.
Whether you’re sporting a crisp tuxedo or a dusty burlap sack, all are invited, and remember...
“REFUND THE FASHION POLICE!”
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