Last Call for Meghan

It was during her post-secondary school years when Meghan had fully rejected Western female beauty standards.
  Publicly, she made great effort to be loud, needlessly argumentative, and an obnoxious drunkard. In Meghan’s eyes, this was authentically masculine behaviour, unlike the actual way it came across to onlookers — as a cringey caricature.
  Of course, some might argue that accountability, quiet stoicism, and independence are traits closer to true manly ideals, but that rubbish would be too hard to pull off. Plus, it might put someone’s ego in the back seat, and we can’t have that.
  In defining herself against what she is not, rather than is, Meghan’s reactionary mindset revealed a lack of metaphysical centre.
  The rot didn’t appear overnight, but had grown steadily over the years out of adolescent insecurities and an external locus of control that made busy use of her blame finger. But then something happened.
  One day the clock struck twenty-nine, and Meghan sensed that something was not right.
  All her hard nut friends were getting soft. They were chasing men and securing long-term resource acquisition objectives.
  Did Role Strain play a part in this big shift in priorities? A smidgen, no doubt, but the pachyderm in the parlor was the incessant ticking of each woman’s biological clock.
  Okay — the clock has struck — what to do?
  At this stage, some women (1.) “femme up” — taking up ostensibly feminine pastimes to dabble in, like crocheting and kitsch-crafting (but always with an ironic wink, as this is a performative lark, not an actual passion). But as with most dilettantes, interest soon wanes and those unsold tchotchkes are collecting dust whilst their bored cat is the only one now to even touch that ball of yarn in the corner.
  (2.) Other women go the “botox and boobs” route (funds permitting), opting solely for visual betterment of physique. The best they will do is reach Trophy Wife status, which seems good enough for many. Ideal, even.
  But it appears the third option (3.) is both the most prevalent and the saddest: Just double down. It’s everyone else’s fault except that person in the mirror.
  Spinsters used to suffer in silence with their boxed wine and cats, but now through the miracles of social media, they can broadcast their butthurt and sing of their salty struggles for all to see. Why? Because the world is their shoulder to cry on. Plus, it’s easier than working on actual self-improvement.
  “Empowerment” is a word often bandied about, and its use begs the point: Are you empowered if you say so? The burden of convincing others of such is on the persuader, obviously. And no one is holding their breath waiting on an honest answer.
  As we know, empowerment assertions are a basic form of self-marketing. So is “reinventing yourself.” But the above options are no kind of reinvention nor improvement at all, but merely a new coat of paint on an old Image-Construct that’s no longer viable.

  How then is one to promote that which has little value and dubious potential?
  Marketing experts are welcome to tweet their solutions to Meghan, as she is sleepless this very moment, and would really, really like some advice.

Nota bene: Let no person accuse the Orville Corporation of sitting on their thumbs during the sensitive existential crises of potential customers. Orville has proffered many solutions over the years — Punge Procedurals, The Spectrum, Culture Transition Services™ — Heck, there’s a pungeonary on every corner nowadays, right?
  Right. But those are voluntary solutions. It seems the loudest criers are loath to motivate themselves towards even a helping hand.
  In other words, “Chump don’t want no help, chump don’t get da help.”