Editorial: ‘Sniff Jocker Archetype Must Be Reformed to Avoid Collective Doom’

The following editorial comment was broadcast recently on Heritageville’s WBLO-TV Channel 13. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the positions of WBLO-TV. 

  In high dudgeon I bring to you a stern plaint about the insufferable public behaviour of a group that rates quite high on the Connard Social Irritant Index. I’m talking about our fair town’s fraternal
Sniff Jocker community. Though this is a free country and all, we are constantly reminded that this constituency is the cradle for our future’s leadership. Well, these leaders of tomorrow are playing
grab-arse today! These manlets spew in the streets! They dress like toddlers and foul the collective nest!
  Let’s look at some telltale signs that are mysteriously coincident within this cohort:
  • Making an obvious display of being a Man Impervious to the Elements, he proudly marches through the snowdrifts wearing boat shoes and cotton shorts with his chin smugly held high. Never mind that his goolies have shriveled to naught in his chilly promenade — he has ‘brothers’ to impress.
  • Instead of a casual arm draped over the shoulders of tonight’s ‘date’, clutching her in a headlock is the closest he’ll come to any Public Displays of Affection. This possessive signaling is an overcompensation for Low T as well as a general lack of adult social skills.
  • Any musical taste will strictly be second-hand Affectatious Anemoia; in other words, someone else’s Nostalgioid Opiates, the ‘hits’, and pre-approved pabulum that performs as muzak behind empty conversations in both rec rooms and concert halls alike.
  If he’s lucky, this phase will never end, and he will eventually join his Hebetative Alumnoid brethren in their conspicuous cavort. Who am I kidding — this isn’t a phase at all. It’s an archetype.
  Alright, alright — Adult Heresy is nothing new and the Wankening is quite common. It’s the same all over. But pointing out an age-old problem doesn’t make it go away. If you float a certain way, okay, but overcompensating for your insecurities doesn’t make you leadership material.
  You want constructive solutions? Our town’s Semi-Adult Day Care Centres are already packed, plus their admissions are strictly voluntary. The old man on his third mortgage can always bail Junior out of his pesky predicaments that the rest of us have to clean up. And that same old man will also pull strings for his meritless legacy. What else can we do but cry ‘Shame!’?
  Johnny Gutts laments a world currently being run by C-students. But how much worse will it be under a leadership that needs help just to achieve mediocrity? It’s not sustainable!

— Morgan Musone, Heritageville