The Pungeoning: April 2020

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Johnny Gutts: “What I Know,” Part II

EXECUTIVE SPOTLIGHT: Orville Corporation CEO and Head Solutioniser Johnny Gutts returns to Haute Fresh magazine to share more of his collected wisdom and trenchant aphorisms for 2020:

“PEOPLE WHO FREELY SHOWCASE their own red flags are doing the rest of us a favour. Take note: One’s projected Subconscious Conscience says more than anything in these trying days without shame.”

“THE FREER A NATION, the more likely a man is his own worst enemy. Sounds sucky but that‘s the best it gets, brah.”

“YOU CAN BRAG ABOUT having a Ph.D., and you can brag about working in sales — but you cannot brag about both.”

“PUBLIC SCRIBES NEVER SEEM to realise that the average person cares about musicians’ political opinions as little as they care about politicians’ musical opinions.”

“I HATE TO BREAK IT to young cultural tastemakers, but the ‘Suicide Girl’ look is about as f***ed out by now as the mattress at the local hourly rate inn.”

“IN THE CORPORATE ARENA, the ladies’ room is used for crying more than any other bodily function. Architects didn't plan this — it just turned out this way.”

“ALL HAIR PROBLEMS are First World Problems.”

“AVERAGE MEN with moderate ambitions quit at the finish line, marry unattractive women, and proceed to get fat. Screw that! I say, ‘Don’t stop ‘til you can’t get enough.’”

“THE ‘MANY-WORLDS’ INTERPRETATION of quantum mechanics implies that there’s an infinite number of universes wherein every possible quantum outcome is realised. But the sad truth is that in every universe, Baxter Street is still a joke.”