The Brand Crisis Polka

I: Narrengold Industries Unveils [Product] Campaign

DATELINE: Vuotaville, May 2023
  At an exclusive launch event, Narrengold Industries unveiled the much-anticipated [redacted] campaign. The [brand] features edgy spokesmodels, flashy imagery and nothing at all informing the customer about the product.

  Says marketing intern Meghan Cruzak, “As the first left-handed Libra with pink hair to lead a giant consumer product, it’s an amazing opportunity to really evolve this brand I know nothing about.
  “This campaign is meant to be different for the sake of itself, with a lot of empty overconfidence. It’s really critical to depict people as they appear in my own imagination, and that means a campaign pandering to the latest social fads will somehow magically appeal to consumers.
  “In my head, I had one thought, and it was ‘This brand needs my stamp on it, and if we don’t attract consumers to buy this brand, my resumé will look pretty thin,’” Cruzak said.

II: Market Revolt and Blamestorming as Damage Control

“They hate it!”
  Marketing gurus insist the campaign was just to make the brand appeal to ‘everyone,’ retro-actively describing it as an attempt to ‘authentically’ connect with people across imagined demographic spectrums. An innocent-sounding, yet dubious claim coming well after the Clydesdales have left the barn door.
  But actions betray words.
  “We had wanted to elevate this iconic brand and focus on ‘inclusivity’ because anything that doesn’t jibe with our solipsistic worldview must itself be in decline,” admitted Cruzak. “If consumers decide to no longer buy the product, obviously it’s because they’re bad, bad people, and must be painted as such.”

III: C-Suite Buck-Passing and the Taphonomic Spiral

Naturally, senior level company executives claim no awareness of the polarising activities of their marketing manipulators. This way C-Suite deadweights can maintain plausible deniability whilst blameshifting their responsibilities to minions of the lower echelons. Those fools are shuffled off, and execs will go through the appearances of trying to revive a dying brand, to no avail. No worries, though — they’ll just cash out and move on.
  As for the ‘edgy spokesmodels’ — they’ll milk the victimhood thing for awhile. But being narcissists, this will be seen as a notch in their belts for their remaining lives.

Brand taphonomy shows many parallels to corporate taphonomy — the usual brew of hubris, ignorance and avarice. In other words: Nothing new here.

“History shows again and again how poor business decisions point out the folly of men.” — Johnny Gutts

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Fostering the Electrocultural Initiative

Professor Julius Hydrow: “Alright, gents — the challenge has been thrown down from on high. Good luck!”

DATELINE: East Bank, Stratum VII
  Malinconico sat in the Bonus Chamber and stared at the cluttered box of wiring and spare electrical components from a Radyo Barakası Elektro-Kit. A chirping bird outside distracted his musing and he looked over his shoulder. The late day sun fell upon a houseplant sitting on the windowsill. The lightbulb moment had arrived.
  Using the Elektro-Kit, Malinconico cobbled together a basic conduction amplifier. He ran a low-voltage electrical current to an immature Adiantum plant. A simple oscillator circuit with waver-tone acted as power monitor.
  The study was held in Courier One’s Hertwall comms centre. A lone cactus sat nearby on the sill, itself able to tolerate such environmental challenges as lark-smoke and limited solar bask. Malinconico was concerned these factors would bias the test results, but realised they would affect both variable and control equally, thus negating his suspicion.
  After half a fortnight, Malinconico summed up the tabulation of vitals. Conclusion? No discernible difference between variable and control. No Elektro-Rekoil response.
  In hindsight, Malinconico thought it a silly stunt, but apparently Prof. Hydrow was impressed with the curiosity and rigour he had applied within the scientific method. There was a third-place ribbon on his presentation kiosk the next day.

Audio Epilogue: “Hello, Mister Gutts? It’s Julius Hydrow. I’ve found a prospect. He’s onto electroculture. He arrived at it independently, and though his crude contraption provided incomplete data, he shows great promise...”

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Shopkeeper’s Blue Sundae

A Treatise on Fashion: Atrocities, Analyses, and Solutions

Fashion! Love it or hate it, everyone and their uncle has an opinion on the trending styles du jour. Of course, this is nothing new. But are today’s fashions as horrible as critics say? Yes, yes they are. But why is this so?
  Conspiracy theorists like to picture Hi-Couture diktats from the ritzy runways of Manhattan and Milan. But those are basically in-guild contests for effete fops to one-up each other whilst imagining that they’re Shocking the Squares. You’ll never see their “creations” out in public, let alone at the local clothes outlet. To many, fashion is just what happens to be hanging in the closet when they go to get dressed.
  So again, why is it so bad today? Do we blame capital-F “Fashion” as an abstract entity or blame individuals who should know better but don’t?

Failures of Fashion?

It is presumed that a concept so timeless as fashion must have a social function. So let us examine common explanations and see if they still hold water in this current day.
  A) “Self-Expression/Making a Statement” — Sounds great, but what “statement” were you thinking of making when you were half-asleep and just threw on the nearest garment? It couldn’t possibly be anything original, as your cultivated “look” took zero thought and subconsciously mimics the wardrobe of all your friends, therefore reinforcing stereotypes you claim to avoid.
  B) “Breaking Norms” — Walking stereotypes aren’t exactly breaking norms, and breaking any norms for the sake of itself is just a reactionary performance when you lack a cogent reason. Taking a dump in the middle of Town Square is also “breaking norms,” but that doesn’t make it a good thing.
  C) “Increases Self-Confidence” — If you say so. Psychologically speaking, Frame is an important mindset. That said, wilting under another’s voiced criticisms of your fashion choices is a sign of fragility, not confidence.
  The above points may sound passionate, and thus ostensibly substantive, but as a certain Mr Gutts has shown us, passion is amoral, bringing us to...
  D) “Accentuate Your Assets/Downplay Your Flaws” — This was the main undertone of fashion for the last century or so and served people well, notably as a self-marketing parlay for potential mate selection. But today the concept has been turned on its head: Yoga pants that draw attention to the cottage cheese buttock. Unrestrained gunt display that no amount of fabric can hide. Androgynous ambiguity meant to passive-aggressively bait the bemused. If intentional, again, these are shallow, reactionary performances; if not, unthoughtful slovenliness.
  In sum, these defences are found wanting in this modern age.

How Did We Get Here?

In recent years, armchair activists have called for fashion police disbandment as snowflakes reaching adulthood increasingly chafe at aesthetic criticisms leveled against them. Older citizens with a lifelong blind spot for good taste also have echoed this sentiment.
  “Defund the Fashion Police!” became a national rallying call to render any fashion judgement as null and void, whilst neutering any assessment as subjective, and therefore moot. Though the cry sounds defiant, claims of righteousness fall flat knowing that copium reserves have been declining for years, exacerbating extant neuroses in these social cohorts.
  However well-intentioned, the movement has left people disaffected amid surging fashion atrocities. Years of sustained incredulity and disgust over aesthetic neglect have reignited public debate for fashion police reform.

Solutions with Familiar Faces

We need solutions to remedy these everyday eyesores. And Orville Corporation CEO Johnny Gutts is the thought leader with those solutions.
  “Orville’s Community-Oriented Fashion Policing emphasises proactive problem solving, rather than responding to fashion iniquities after they occur.
  “Our non-profit arms [such as ERS and SARC] have been working in disadvantaged fashion communities with such resources as Punge Procedurals, Fashion Hygiene Outreach, Mobile Makeover Units, and neighbourhood watch groups to ‘get people’s minds right.’ Parent Shaming and public Scold Patrols will only be used as a last resort henceforth.
  “The bitter struggle between style and death is a real concern,” explains Gutts. “Not only for the fashion transgressor, but also for loved ones and strangers alike who must refrain from gouging out their own eyes when encountering these visual abominations.”
  Orville’s Emotive Response System is also spearheading a “National Conversation on Fashion” to be held in various locations across the country. These conversations will build on understandings gained, deal with societal determinants, and increase awareness of visual aesthetics.
  Jared Gutts, nephew of the Orville CEO, will host “rap sessions” on the importance of sustainable youth fashion. Amateur fashion shows with a “Good, Bad, and the Hideous” theme will also be held featuring commissioned apparel as well as volunteers off the street, applause meters, and crates of rotting vegetables for audience members to hurl at unacceptable attire. The traveling event debuts this summer in Heritageville where Johnny Gutts will give the keynote address.
  Whether you’re sporting a crisp tuxedo or a dusty burlap sack, all are invited, and remember...

“REFUND THE FASHION POLICE!”

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