A Beloved Institution Closes Its Doors

Citizens of Heritageville are lamenting the recent closure of beloved dining establishment The Gristle. The lingering economic fallout from the ConGaijin-20 pandemic is blamed along with general apathy of the local populace, causing franchise locations to shutter.
  From humble yet hoity beginnings as artsy coffeehouse to culinary powerhouse, The Gristle has seen many ups and downs as well as the lateral vicissitudes inevitable in post-modern outlooks.
  The Gristle is notable for introducing Orville’s Praise,™ the New Food Substitute to a loving public as well as catering large events like the Punge Expo and Heritageville’s 150th Anniversary celebration.
  The popular eatery was not without its share of controversy over the years. Concerns of pedestrian safety were often raised by Gristle patrons and other soyfolk over the annual Princely Avenue Motor Sports Open, but cooler heads and leaden feet usually prevailed. Other contentions arose after an internet food critic decried the ongoing habit of sleeveless Gristle waitrons carrying menus tightly tucked under their upper arms.
  “Who wants their menus to smell like some vegan’s armpits?” went the main beef. But loyal clientele pooh-poohed these concerns as class snobbery: “Hey, it’s not like they have cavemen running your food.”
  The Gristle’s Princely Avenue location — the first to open its doors — was the last to close. The alpha and the omega. Let us raise a chalice of Praise™ in memory and slurp it down with gusto.

23 Flavours of Freedom

Renowned Heritageville restaurant “The Gristle” is duly celebrated for such culinary creations as the “Molten Bowl” (sautéed soy product) and the “Gristle Staple” (glorified beans & rice).
  But now The Gristle has taken a bold leap into the 21st century with a virtual menu featuring the Orville Corporation’s Praise,™ the “New Food Substitute,™” — a soy-lentil confection that can be enjoyed both in meatspace and in online soyspace.
  Praise™ is such a versatile foodstuff that the The Gristle has developed 23 unique flavour combinations thus far — including local favourites “Fudge Howdy” and “Unagi Tartare” — all of which can be sampled at the restaurant or on the World Wide Web,
  Visit today for a delicious feed!

1. ‘Fake Woke’
2. Praise from Caesar
3. Rhesus Pieces
4. Synchysis
5. Tedium Vitae
6. Calamitous Intent
7. Psychic Albino
8. Asia Minor Style
9. High Kudos
10. Fake Craig
11. Bro-Nega
12. Caffè de Gallina di Cacao
13. Yellow Sauce
14. E Flat Minor
15. Unagi Tartare
16. Spectrum Salad
17. Fudge Howdy
18. Byo-Byo Nilla
19. Rendered Hatchling
20. Irish Meadows
21. Anole King
22. Scotch Vindaloo
23. Lemon Tabasco

Upcoming flavour combinations: Parkaire Breeze, Frog Nut, Rotting Carapace and Alfredo Achaar.

Orville Princely Avenue Motor Sports Open May 10-11

Extreme machines roar into Heritageville May 10-11 for the Orville Princely Avenue Motor Sports Open, treating everyone to one of the most electrifying weekends in all of motorsports.
Scheduled for Mother’s Day weekend, the event has become a must-see on the Heritageville calendar for an action-packed weekend guaranteed to not only celebrate Mom but entertain the entire family.
The public is encouraged to enter their own car in such race events as stock car, dragster, funny car, and the demolition derby.
  Though a group of concerned citizens called Complete Streets: Princely Avenue (CSPA) has raised issues of pedestrian safety and “traffic calming” — especially in the pedestrian crossing area in front of The Gristle restaurant — a legal order instigated by them has mandated that Princely Avenue zebra crossings will remain accessible, even on the days of the motor sports event. Patrons of The Gristle will literally have to “dine ‘n dash” to get across Princely Avenue, but no safety issues are anticipated.

Mayor Dwayne Gutts told a constituent that he was “not against the concept,” and has full backing of the city commission to use city streets for this event.
The weekend kicks off with one of the most unique experiences in motorsports as exhaust flames blaze behind 2,000 horsepower, nitro-fueled machines rocketing down Princely Avenue at speeds in excess of 200 kph during the Friday night qualifying session.
Saturday features a full day of stock car and drag racing action, topped off with a music celebration featuring local rock band Clampy Hold and entertainment from the local Cooter’s franchise.

On Sunday, celebrate Mother’s Day with the excitement of final eliminations as earth-shaking Hot Fuel dragsters and ground-pounding funny cars battle for supremacy. The Grand Finale will be the Demolition Derby down Princely Avenue along the stretch from Dilladge Avenue to Pauskil Lane.
An insignificant taco stand at the end of Dilladge Avenue will be bulldozed to make way for the pit area.
All fans can get up close and personal with these remarkable rides — their neighbours who steer them and the crews scrambling to prepare their machine for the next round of competition.
The famous Orville blimp will be on the scene to provide live race coverage.

With all events free, there’s no better time to experience the extreme speeds, raucous engines, and street-shaking power featured at the Orville Princely Avenue Motor Sports Open. Come one, come all!

L’albinos affamé

Alone she was sitting at a small table by the window at The Gristle on a cool spring day in Stratum XVII. She took drags off a vanilla glucose durry in between bites of stale pound cake. Her rosy irises and downward chin painted her as distant and unreadable, and the brief cascade of whitish hair from under a silly blue beret was incongruous enough to invite ridicule.
  Which — this being The Gristle, in the town of Classic City — was ground zero for snide commentary from hipster and BärteHansa types. Such is the usual reaction when social anomalies show up on the radar of the Condescending Cool: Immediate Squamous Scene Rejectus.
  The woman was known to perform cringey acoustic folk songs at local venues, and this was added fire to the ridicule already heaped upon her.
  Okay, fair enough on that part. But her physical condition and being from Canadia were of course no choice she could possibly make herself, so the derision of others at those facts came off as immature cheap shots.
  As for the cringey folk music, there’s no shortage of it locally, and (as with many genres) the cringe factor is usually based on twee, self-serious, and oversensitive pretensions.
  None of which were apparent in the woman’s music, mien, or spirit. Just a quiet poignancy with muted earnestness, if anything.
  The woman continued to silently chew her cake at the lone table as the afternoon sun faded to a weak grey. Word has it that she soon thereafter made her way back north. Guess the local welcome wagon must’ve been a bit too much to handle.
  Creative cretins of Classic City: We know how much you care for the unconventional and downtrodden — as you relentlessly keep saying so — but is it too much to ask you to put aside your fashionable nihilism and jaded, low-T snark to afford a simple stranger their dignity?

Punge Expo 2014

More than 20 exhibitors from all over the world took part in Punge Expo 2014, which opened last week at the Heritageville Convention and Exhibition Centre (HCEC). The fair offered buyers and sellers alike the latest services and business solutions, as well as market intelligence, innovative ideas, networking events and myriad business opportunities for Forward Thinking Enterprises.
  Under the theme, “Working Harder to Make Your World Different,” some 20 exhibitors from 18 countries and regions took part in Punge Expo 2014. This year’s expo spotlighted a great range of issues and opportunities. They included social-media marketing and mobile commerce, SMV upgrading, Eurasia sales strategies and franchising prospects. The Orville Corporation lent a heavy presence with many of their cutting-edge tech exhibitions. Other corporate entities present were the Pan-Martian Consortium, The Gristle Restaurant Franchises LLC, and Takostan National Gas Exports.
  There was more global creativity at the Expo’s Inspiration Hall. Under the theme, “Must-Have-From-Orville,” the Orville pavilion presented nearly 10 tech approaches offering a smart range of social manipulation tools, showcasing PSYOPS offerings in a mix of traditional and contemporary methods.

In an informal “beanbag sesh,” Orville CEO Johnny Gutts introduced the “vPunge.”

“While competitors position themselves in the ‘Goldilocks Zone’ — not too hot, not too cold — Orville places their cloud products in the ‘Pungilocks’ zone. Too hot AND too cold. How do they do this? Seems impossible! Kelvin, Newton, and Einstein would all profess that the laws of nature and physics disallow this.
  I say: Those guys are dicks!
  They didn't have vPunge. What is vPunge?
  vPunge: Proximity-aware virtual pungeoning applications in the cloud.
  Unstructured pungeoning accounts for 71% of 2013’s world wide growth in cloud systems.
  Too hot, too cold, too comforting, too hostile. That’s the future of pungeoning in the cloud. Leveraging existing technology across marketing channels to enhance cognitive dissonance.”

Above: Expo participants view “End of World Scenario” video presentation, whilst enjoying catering by The Gristle Restaurant Franchises LLC.
“Try the veal.”

  Numerous live events were held throughout the day, showcasing new product launches, tech demonstrations, free coffee tastings, booth babes and many more fun and informative activities. People weren’t shy about coming to say “Hi!” or sneak a selfie with Orville Corp. artiste Johnny Gutts as he interacted and entertained at the heartily-received event.
  Event Registrants who produced the Orville JECK 2.0 Event RSVP confirmation email got to redeem a FREE Goodie Bag worth US$85.

At the introduction of Orville’s User Satisfaction Accelerators™, the crowd remained rapt.

“Scale up, scale out.
  “The system expedites aggregate pungeoning into virtual ‘buckets.’ Take those ‘pBuckets,’ replicate them, and spread them across cloud data pools. With delta-based snapshots, user-driven entities can preserve pungeon initiatives for multiple point-in-time copies. With vPunge Recover Points, (vPunge-RP) you can roll back to replay a particular pungeoning over and over.
  “With the geo-pungeoning option, replica pungeoning pBuckets can be distributed over mandated geographic expanses. Across states, countries — even continents.”

Next year’s Punge Expo 2015 is already past the planning stages. Expect even more groundbreaking tech from Orville and their corporate associates. Won’t you join us?

Grand Theft Pungeon XIII: San Athena

Orville’s Grand Theft Pungeon series is one of the most popular series of action-adventure, crime and role playing games. Orville has recently launched the 13th Grand Theft Pungeon version and it’s leading to a huge success. All the die-hard fans of GTP series are expecting new adventure and excitement in GTP13.

GTP players can customise main character Jared Gutts before playing the game. The customisation of appearance, clothes and intelligence (or lack thereof) is a great feature.

GTP13 can be little more explored with more missions such as:
• Run over local character Ted Rant on his bicycle
• Mow down zebra crossing pedestrians in front of The Gristle restaurant
• Start a trash fire in Orp’s backyard
• Play in “Demolition Derby” mode and smash and plow through either gameday tailgaters or the crowds of ClassicCityFest.
• Run over those annoying meter maids with their hoity-toity tricorders
Such missions will give a more real feeling in the game. It will boost one’s temperament to get indulged in the game.

GTP13 has various vehicles which is liked by various fans such as the ‘72 Plymouth Satellite wagon, ‘71 Ford Pinto, ’73 Mercury Comet, ‘75 AMC Hornet — even a ’70’s model Mack garbage truck, if one so desires.

Grand Theft Pungeon 13 is available on all platforms and will be released this summer.

Cue for the Visions: “See the Cheetah”

In the upstairs loft at the Olde Gristle folks mingle in the after hours amidst chatter, coffee, and wafting smoke with an ancient record player in the corner spinning dusty 45’s.
  Manford pontificates on musical arcana whilst Glen Aludo feigns interest in everything. Pipo Spanno attempts conversation with an indifferent Ginia Lupo.
  Other characters were present. “Punk” Mike looking cheesed off. Plumber/Philosopher Dan and Miss Gutkind sitting nearby sipping, smoking, and wearing black. Brown Bag performance artists, mopey young wannabe’s, and aging coat-tailers all practice their poses with poise.

Future iterations stand as proxy simulacra.

Punge Expo 2015

Orville Systems Analyst Rand Hugoe reports that Punge Expo 2015 — held last month at the Heritageville Convention and Exhibition Centre (HCEC) — has been another rousing success. The fair offered entrepreneurs and vendors alike the latest in services and market solutions, as well as interactive pavilions, content-rich breakout sessions and untapped opportunities for tomorrow’s thought leaders.

  This year’s theme, “Envision a Sustainable Future,” featured some 30 exhibitors from 21 countries and regions taking part.

The Orville Corporation again lent a heavy presence with many of their cutting-edge tech exhibitions, offering a smart range of social manipulation tools and showcasing PSYOPS endeavours in a mix of traditional and contemporary methods. The expo’s Inclusion Council welcomed such corporate entities as the Tapfermann Cadre, the Ugandoid Autonomous Prefecture Tourism Board, and SARC Prospect Conditioning. The Gristle Restaurant Franchises LLC again catered the event.

  In what is becoming an annual tradition, Orville CEO Johnny Gutts once again held an informal “beanbag sesh” — this time highlighting the past year’s success of Orville’s Culture Transition Services™ campaign as well as recounting his own harrowing encounter with ISIS last year.

  The success of Punge Expo 2015 has well exceeded even that of the previous year’s expo. Punge Expo 2016 promises to be even better. Be there.

The Price is Cheap... The Cost is Right

CHEAP GRACE IS, by definition, cheap, along with other hastily cobbled platitudes and saccharine notions bandied about to bolster one’s Public Cred and silent Ego Insecurities.
  After all, if Timeless Truths are said to be proverbially etched in stone, what is one to make of knee-jerk bromides scribbled on cardboard and marched around High Street, just to be discarded into the gutter an hour later on the way to The Gristle for Social Hour?
  The price you pay for your crayon and placard may have been chump change — nay, free, if indeed Free Speech is ineluctably free.
  But the cost of credibility proves too high a toll when Ventilated Feelings fall flat in the eyes of John Q. Public, who knows that informed persuasion trumps emotional, low-value pleading.
  To state the obvious, the price for anyone to open their mouth is cheap. But whether your words become an expense to your appeal, or become an asset to your very assertions, the cost is commensurate.
  [Insert staid but true maxims along the lines of “Money Talks...” or “Walk the Walk...”]

  The Onus is always upon the Persuader.

APF to Hold Charity Ball for NAI

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Allied Pungeoning Front (APF) will host a “Dance & Babble” charity ball to raise aid for the National Awareness Initiative on Prickle-Prickle, Chaos 4th, YOLD 3186 (Stratum XLVII) at 8:00 p.m. at P-Bones Baxter St. Pungeonary in Heritageville.
  This gala event will feature performances by musical groups Clampy Hold, Low Van Winkle, comedienne Petra McBreyer, and DJ Jared Gutts. Johnny Gutts of the APF will be the emcee and compère.
  The National Awareness Initiative (NAI) was established to bring together organisations from all levels to share best practices, pool and direct resources, and identify new directions and learning opportunities in order to improve awareness.
  A suggested donation of €5 is recommended. Advance tickets are available at all local pungeonaries, as well as The Gristle and Mack’s.

121286: Wohltaten und die Antwort zum Rätsel des Nelsons

On the worktop, beneath a bank slip, lay £400 in cash. Misplaced or forgotten by some scatty student, obviously. Professor Jones and Somber deliberated for several moments. They traded imaginative ideas of what riches they could buy in High Street. But not being the lucripetous sort, they turned in the dosh to the Authorities.

Later that evening at The Gristle (original location) they found their karmic reward perched upon the balcony: See The Cheetah?

Dumb Luck Dog: It’s Gotta Be Jarrett

Jarrett was first spotted just off a rural Alabama road trapped in a briar patch howling wretchedly. An offer of cold pizza caught his curiosity long enough to hold still so Benoit could extricate him from the thorny brush.
  Apparently he was a wall-eyed Cocker Spaniel with an unkempt black-and-white coat. How he arrived in the middle of nowhere was anyone’s guess. Benoit tossed him in the bed of his pick-up and headed off to Classic City.

Jarrett never did fully adjust to domestic life on Papal Street. Sweet yet rambunctious, he knocked things over and generally created an annoying mess. He was endearingly referred to as being a “spazz.” To remedy, a tilt from a Mickey’s Big Mouth would puddle onto the hardwood oak floor, which Jarrett would happily lap up. It proved an effective relaxant.
  He would come and go, often escaping the house or backyard lead to wander off on great adventures, no doubt. One afternoon he mysteriously trotted through the front door with matted, sticky goo covering his daggy regions; hence, another nickname: “Bubblegum Butt.”
  One sighting placed him crossing Princely Avenue, oblivious to the four-lane traffic he miraculously passed through. Dumb luck? He was found in a nearby car park nonchalantly sniffing a pile of discarded clothes outside the Potter’s Haus.
  Benoit’s housemate Stoddard arrived home one day to furious yelping from the backyard. There by a tree was Jarrett, impossibly tangled up like a knot in his doggie line — a veritable canine pretzel. Efforts to unbind him were met with snapping jaws, so Stoddard phoned Benoit at work down at the Gristle. Five minutes later Benoit was there with his bowie knife to quickly free the hapless hound.
  Indeed, Jarrett’s exploits were quite foolhardy, often resulting in folly sometimes bordering on idiocy. Survival was considered a fluke. His experiences raised interesting questions: Can dogs have autism? Or guardian angels for that matter?
  After Benoit’s passing, memory of Jarrett faded into fuzziness. Was he given away? Some think he ran off.

Some months later word got around about the dog. Evidently Jarrett was sighted off Park Avenue, romping around the yard of some hippies. Fatter and happier, but doubtfully any smarter. A benediction from St. Francis, perhaps?

Orville Launches Worldwide Campaign Reintroducing Food Substitute

The Orville Corporation has taken a bold leap into the 21st century with an international reintroduction of Praise™, the “New Food Substitute,” — a soy-lentil-naizō by-product that can be enjoyed both in meatspace and in online soyspace.
  Introduced in 1984 by Johnny Gutts and Hector McNiece, Praise™ was known as an ‘honest to goodness’ versatile foodstuff loaded with protein and energy. Until now, Praise™ has only been continuously available at The Gristle franchise locations around the greater Heritageville area.
  The food substitute market is a sizable and growing industry. Orville has realised that food alternatives are building demand with campaigns that tempt consumers with flavour and then appeal to their desire to eat healthier and more sustainably. Orville, ever concerned about corporate social responsibility, has decided to tap into the global market and connect international consumers with the great taste of Praise™.

  • Praise™ features sustainable GEO (genetically enhanced organism) cereal grains based on soy, lentil, and organic naizō whose very DNA is customised to maximise your eating satisfaction.
  • Praise™ also helps maximise antibody count and lower levels of bad, bad cholesterol.
  • Praise™ is fortified with Vitamin P23™, a proprietary Orville nano-nutritional bioactive compound that facilitates proper metabolism.

  Orville’s marketing mavens have built a diverse branding campaign to reflect attitudes and mindsets of food substitute consumers profiled around the world.

Heritageville Launches 150th Anniversary Festivities

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Celebrate 150 years of Heritageville with us, your neighbours, family, and friends! In honour of Heritageville’s 150th birthday on January 13, 2022, the city will be planning a series of celebratory events.
  Anniversary festivities include something for everyone! Community members can look forward to:

• Ceremony honouring city founder Col. Zenas “Jack” Heritage at Heritage Mausoleum, Coney Hill Cemetery
• Vehicle-Based Parade with Grand Marshal Johnny Gutts
• Open Fútbol Tourney featuring local Las Estrellas FC
• Princely Avenue Motor Sports Open
• Urban Renewal Lottery: One property chosen at random to be condemned and demolished
• Drive-in Concert with local band “Clampy Hold”
• Catering by “The Gristle”
• And more!

“We can’t wait to celebrate Heritageville! It’s been a tough year for everyone, and this is something we can all look forward to and enjoy,” said Mayor Dwayne Gutts. “This major millstone [sic] is about celebrating all the unique things that make our town the best place to work, live, and work some more. We hope everyone will join in the festivities as they get down.”
  “City staff have worked tirelessly on these jubilant activities,” said City Manager Jared Staylee. “There are many ways people and organisations can get involved, from highlighting celebratory displays on social media to sharing their stories. We’re looking forward to the entire community coming together to celebrate everything Heritageville.”

The Day at Dudley Park*

• Prelude/Upstairs at the Gristle
• Amethyst Vas Methysménos
• Who’s Afraid of Tobacco Road?
• Acquisition de Ressources
• The Day at Dudley Park
• Bullet Dodged

The Day at Dudley Park

Clasping hands together on a stroll
It all seemed so ideal
Out there amidst the green...
Here under the clouds
At least one of our pulses raced
Thinking what might have been...

The day at Dudley Park was just a lark
See our railroad trestle crumbling down
This man opened his heart under the sun
As she lay there staring skyward
She wouldn’t take me at my word
And this farce of a romp would never be outdone...

Laying here in the freshest grass
Beads of sweat there
Dappled upon her breast
With the tender moment fleeting
I got the joke now, this fallen crest

That day at Dudley Park was just a lark
See our railroad trestle crumbling down
This man opened his heart under the sun
As she lay there staring skyward
She wouldn’t take me at my word
And this farce of a romp would never be outdone...
Oh, no...

©MCMLXX WBLO-TV, Happi-Time Productions
*Apologies to Jimmy Webb

Cue for the Visions:The Disembarkening

For Young Merbos, what began as a recruitment phone call received whilst enjoying coffee at the Gristle turned into a decade-long voyage aboard the vessel Reverend Resbo. A voyage that began on smooth seas, but unraveled over the years with mutinies, derelictions, and a succession of captains from the incompetent to the Queeg-like.
  Until one day, the opportunity to jump ship afforded itself to Merbos. And jumped he did at this chance.
  And so, a silent goodbye to his quarters. A silent nod farewell to the remaining ghost crew. A steady final stride down the passageway. A cascade of memories: the success and failures... the high adventures and the doldrums...
  He opened the hatch and took a step out the gangway.


  ...The things learned over a 10-stratum span...
  Another step.
  ...A simple sense of purpose for helping keep a ship afloat...
  Each descending step...
  ...Survival. Accomplishment. Even pride...

  A commencement of sorts...

Behind the Olde Gristle

In the Trenches at Sea: The Crucible of Character

“The ship must sail on... regardless of who the captain is, regardless of who the admiral is...”

The good ship Reverend Resbo never did sail very smoothly -- from its rocky beginnings to its eventual loss at sea some twenty-seven years later. Young Merbos had volunteered purely by happenstance: An overheard phone call at The Gristle by a crewman pleading for manpower. The ensuing voyages were a shakedown more for the man than the ship: Find your sea legs, get the tasks done, get from A to B.
It was changes in the Admiralty that led not to mutiny, but desertion by 90% of the crew. The Resbo’s remaining days were helmed by a procession of impotent captains, Queeg-like but without the experience. Needless to say, the lingering skeleton crew had clung to the gunwales, the seas growing fiercer with each successive voyage.
What does a crew learn? Not merely under one unstable captain, but never having experienced an able and competent captain at all -- what does a crew learn?
The ship must sail on... regardless of who the captain is, regardless of who the admiral is.

At the risk of charges of insubordination, Merbos could not quite bite his tongue in the face of:

• Captain Gladhand McSandbag, whose M.O. was ‘Divide & Conquer’ -- pitting the crew against each other so he could swoop down as saviour -- all whilst the ship cruised in circles.
• Captain Connor MacLeod, when not AWOL would brandish cutlery as recompense for his lack of leadership.
• Capitaine Bellâtre, who when called to account for excessive tea times and quaintwork, threatened to sabotage his own ship.
• Captain Jethrine -- smiley-psychotic who bragged of cheating at the Academy. Also conspired to keelhaul his first mate, just to get his hands on his paltry commission.
• All admirals who promoted and excused these rate grabbing dinQs (while withholding BCDs), along with their own damage to morale, reputation and seaworthiness.

It’s a wonder that the Resbo stayed afloat long enough to reach the twenty-first century. But it did. Merbos gives hearty thanks to his fellow deck hands who stuck to their oath: The Olde Salt, Top Shelf Charly, Mairobin, The Walt-Man and Lieutenant Gergg. Bravo Zulu.
Every day was a long day but no matter how endless or harsh, one must view it as accomplishment, whether by man, by crew, by vessel, or by navy. Even if one is bailing water, figuratively or literally.
At the end of a given day the scant crew of the Resbo would retire to the Nether Quarters -- a makeshift lounge only accessible via the ship’s photolab. There, Lt. Gergg would provide some much needed ‘attitude adjustment’ for all. At least by laughing off the insanities of the day, the crew could fortify themselves for whatever nuttiness lay on the horizon.


EPILOGUE: All of the original crew, and finally Merbos, did eventually jump ship, as one must when fatal leaks and other Benny Suggs go unacknowledged by brass. The Resbo continued to limp along with clueless crews, captains in name only, and admirals who abandoned them to the wind. She was lost at sea about a year later.
If no one remembers the indignities of the Reverend Resbo, may they remember her lessons.