Monday, September 22, 2014

American CEO Apologises
to Terrorist Group

WBLO-TV — Six hostages were rescued from ISIS militants after a successful operation by Orville Corporation CEO Johnny Gutts and the Allied Pungeoning Front in Mosul. Gutts led the paramilitary force to rescue kidnapped private security contractors from the Orville Corporation. Eight hostiles were killed in the operation, three of which were apparently Orville ex-employees turned terrorists. Insertion and extraction took place in under eight hours. Considering the delicacy of the situation, the supervision and execution of this operation appear worthy of commendation.
   Soon after, ISIS spokesman Moghaffal al-Baghdadi released a statement demanding an unconditional apology from the Orville Corporation for a deliberate negative campaign against the image and reputation of ISIS. In a surprise turn of events, Orville came forth with the requested concession. Johnny Gutts, a man known for “taking the high road,” himself penned the apology and read it aloud at a press conference yesterday at the Heritageville Ritz Hotel.
   It reads as follows:

Dear ISIS,
   The purpose of this letter is to formally offer our deepest and most sincere apology for the inconvenience that the rescue of our employees has caused you. At Orville, we take public complaints seriously and we appreciate that you brought this issue to our attention. After reviewing your file, we believe the cause of the unsatisfactory and unfortunate result was due to your lack of civilised behaviour.
   To ensure that this will not be a repeat occurrence, we believe that proactive pungeoning over the next few months will prevent this from happening again.
   With Orville’s constant striving to deliver the best possible service available, we will be creating company-wide training sessions on dealing with savages over the next few months to perfect our process. Creating a safe atmosphere is paramount for us.
   We deeply value your relationship with Orville and are committed to providing you with the highest level of service simply because our customers deserve the very best. If you have any further questions or comments regarding this matter, please feel free to discuss it with me.

Yours in service,
Johnny Gutts
CEO, Orville Corporation

   The apology was a PR success story, earning high praise from the international community. Some offering their kudos went as far as wanting to nominate Gutts to UN Secretary-General.
   Though well-placed sources do report an unconfirmed quote by Gutts later that evening from the hotel bar:
   “Apologies to offended terrorists and half-apologies to families of ex-employees suspected to have converted to terrorists sects. Maybe if, as parents, you had tried harder I wouldn’t have had to slit their throats!”