Monday, June 30, 2014

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Does the Leopard Change His Spots?

The Secret is Out: Orville’s Culture Transition Services™

Why do one-time “cutting edge” youth-oriented factions unexpectedly transition their aging lifestyle into (ostensibly) more mature, more age-appropriate levels of energy exertion in their interests and hobbies?

  For the last 20 years Orville’s Professional Services Division has been implementing their Culture Transition Services™ to help coordinate a delicate, seamless transition of young men and women’s “entire scene” towards a more productive future. Today’s twentysomethings cannot simply abandon their youth for responsibility without also abandoning social circles and self-identity, with the resultant freak-out leaving them empty and even more insecure. We can’t let scenesters trickle off without a note, one by one, month by month, leaving the Scene King without a kingdom.

  Orville’s CTS uses a specific matrix algorithm to analyse subjects’ psychological and socio-economic background to tailor a natural transitional “growth path” for each individual.  For example: The graceful transition of Southern Ohio Juggalos to a thriving bluegrass scene didn't happen ‘by chance.’ CTS experts analysed key players and came to the conclusion that Level 3B Proles would remain ‘within caste’ over a lifetime.

  This is where CTS professionals came in: They offered advice on tattoo updates, incorporating banjos and fiddles, gradual music venue showtime adjustments over 3-year period from 11pm gatherings to 4pm hoedowns, and a clever marketing strategy from Orville’s Energy Drink Division with new drink offering “JUGG-R-NAUT™,” which came with a free corncob pipe.

Pipes initially looked and acted as crack pipes, but over a 18-month time period were gradually changed to actual corncob pipes.  Though the scene remains in the same caste, they are now semi-productive bluegrass musicians, rather than sad, 45-year-old Juggalos hanging out in parking lots.

Other case studies:
• Riot Grrll scene in Spokane 5-year transition into weekly Saturday afternoon Quilting Party gatherings at local community center.
• ‘90’s Straight-Edge/Skate scene in Denton, TX transition to thriving co-ed softball league.
• Transitioning Classic City’s aging BärteHansa members suffering from Role Strain into a benign niche spiral that flatters their sense of narcissism whilst socially sequestering them from the rest of productive society.

These fantastic results don’t happen on their own. Orville’s CTS labs architect and engineer every step of the transformation. Where needed, Orville will introduce one or more SXAs (Scene-Xfer-Agent) into your community. These are trained, attractive actors that your friends will find to be highly influential, and will help you guide them into — and through — the scene metamorphosis. (Oh, and don’t worry, SXAs don’t hang around, their skills will be needed elsewhere... Usually a staged death is their exit, and you’ll be the hero who almost saved their life…)

  Orville’s Culture Transition Services™ kindly lends young people a firm but guiding hand to fulfill their socio-economic imperative. Young skeptics may scoff at their colleagues “selling out,” but look at the alternative: How pathetic are middle-aged folks who are left clinging to lost youth? Or worse yet, those who co-opt the culture of people their own kids’ age?  Surely these same skeptics would call shenanigans on this.

  When we consider the sociological problems of the growing number of middle-aged people still indulging in Xbox with their kids, cougar antics, walking around in khaki shorts and flip-flops, and ingesting Nostalgioid Opiates, both the usefulness and the need for Orville’s Culture Transition Services™ becomes clear.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Tauntini’s: Orville’s Newest Bar Concept

In this day and age, consumer tastes are indeed becoming more discriminating. And one cannot also deny the rise of social media. The Orville Corporation has taken notice of these two trends and formulated a market solution that will cater to the “Mean Girl” demographic with the introduction of a new concept establishment called Tauntini’s Martini & Muddle Bar.

  Tauntini’s introduces the customer to TauntVision™. Each booth has video monitors linked to cameras atop the Car-Vue/Q-Mast. Joystick controllers allow manipulation of 2-kilometer range cameras that are equipped with state-of-the-art long-range pinpoint microphones as well as high-focus shotgun sound projectors.

 Patrons can single out individuals “on the street” for remote ridicule — all from the comfort of their booth at Tauntini’s. TauntVision™ is also set up to automatically sync with one’s Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook accounts.
 Beverage selection at Tauntini’s reflects the clientele. All drinks are “high maintenance” — after all, somebody else is making the drinks. (And somebody else is probably paying for them, too.) “Sex on the Beach” is a given — but Tauntini’s also offers Muddled Mojitos, Kiwi-Strawberry Cosmos and the house special: The “Hammered Hamster” — tequila, lime juice, gin, creme de menthe, blueberry Stoli and ginger ale.
 Come down and meet the girls for Happy Hour at Tauntini’s, and share your attitude on the unsuspecting.
Tauntini’s is located on the Level 8 Mezzanine in the APF 6700 Car-Vue/Q-Mast, Barney Scholls Road, Heritageville.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Profiles in Success:
APF 6700 Car-Vue/Q-Mast

The Orville Corporation first unveiled plans for the APF 6700 Car-Vue/Q-Mast back at the end of 2008. The public was impressed and the project had such strong community support that construction was completed ahead of schedule in early 2011.
  Since then, all of the structure’s features have been a rousing success — the aerial transmission tower and helipads, Concourse Q, Sky Deck Alpha (including the Sky Lodge) and pungeonary, as well as the multi-storey car park itself.
• The Q-Mast has kept up with technological innovations and now utilises Orville’s vPunge cloud applications as well as standard telecomm tech in cloudcasting/broadcasting live pungeonings.
• Since completion, the car park has reached the two million car mark in providing 24-hour parking service. It has become a popular “tailgating” destination for fans during college football season.
• Concourse Q has retained a 90% retail occupancy rate, including such major anchor tenants as Fainbridge’s and Scories Précieux as well as such high-traffic restaurant chains as Hungry Mac’s, Favus Faire and Chi Shi China Buffet.
• The Sky Deck Alpha Observation Platform remains popular with the public and has even been used as a filming location for the Bollywood production of Vindaloo Weekend.
• Though the Sky Lodge retains members-only status, its elite reputation is solid and respected the world over.
• A favourite tradition of visiting families is for youngsters to have their picture taken with “Fake Craig” — the unofficial mannequin mascot host located in the ground storey lobby.
The APF 6700 Car-Vue/Q-Mast proudly serves the greater Classic City area in commerce, telecommunications, entertainment and transport needs. The APF 6700 Car-Vue/Q-Mast is conveniently located at the high-traffic transport hub at M23P Motorway and 6700 Barney Scholls Road, Heritageville.
[Spectrum is blue]

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Classic City Arcade 0614

Ms West seen sweeping the veranda... Mr Louis waking and baking... Ms Vera stalking critters in the yard... Scotty K. mopping his brow... Ms Alicia seen passing dossiers through the car window... Mr Dutch “making no cash”... “Mr O” trying to find the leak... PBR Ray assisting “Mr O”... Mr Ernie exhausted from catering... JZ clocking out... Mr Martin dreaming of a Buckhead highrise... Mr Lee watching “Korean Idol”... 8TG and Ms Rachael enjoying a convivial beverage...

Monday, June 09, 2014

Quiet on the Set: Important Lessons Ahead

Coming Soon: Theatrical historic re-enactment of downtown Elsam — A Harpo/Tipt Production — using Artemita Square as set redress. Finger-wagging collective guilt will soon again commence on screen.

Saturday, June 07, 2014

Alien Choke-Out: Hollywood Version

A grip on the anole as lesser reptoid is intended as secure transfer to a safe location by the sapient apes.
Permutate the species-frame one meta-iota forward and the obverse arises: civilization self-defence.