Monday, December 25, 2023

Bittersweet Sensations Across the Dementia

The instabilities of Dementia VII are well known. Amalgamated states of superimposition are unpredictable, like the one that forced a space-time merger of The Häag and Creamy’s. And those same quantum forces can work in reverse, bifurcating those same entities through an eigenvalue crash.
  Nevertheless, Mr Burr has prevailed through the trials of these Möbius roller coasters through Dementia VII to come out on top as Gestalt Ascendant of Dairy Interludes. But history leaves a crumb trail across many Dementia.
  Mr Burr’s original paghpaghak dispensary lay in Dementia III in Villaggio di Pietralegno. In the current D.III timeline, witnesses may be disheartened to see the facility left derelict and committed to dust, a fate not dissimilar to the historic Echelon Facility, Patinoire Del-Wood, or the future forsaken Sands AFB of 2024.
  But let us not wallow in discouragement. If Mr Burr can find success hop-skipping to other dimensions, maybe these other institutions have also found continuing prosperity somewhere else in the omniverse.
  Chin up, lads.

Thursday, December 21, 2023

ERS Updates ‘Toolz’ for Social Media Milksops

Crush it on social media! Cultivate your latent psychological pathologies with the Emotive Response System’s Digital Lifestyle Toolz™ for media exhibitionism.
  Today’s astute internet users are nigh hungry for your personal content, especially if it’s disgorged without the taint of thoughtful reflection.
  First person narratives are notably engaging as your Main Character Energy arouses the interest of complete strangers who apparently have unlimited time and attention to help fortify your depleted reserves of self-worth.
  The ERS Digital Lifestyle Toolz™ Combo-Pak includes mobile versions of:
  • The Spectrum 4.0 Lifestyle Product app
  • Culture Transition Services app
  • All current Punge Procedural apps
  • Hello Planaria Social Minefield Guide
  • Fragility Cultivation app
  • ‘Digital Despair’ forums, galleries and micro-blogs where the tech-savvy can bask and share in collective misery

As Johnny Gutts has declared, “In an Information Economy, there’s no such thing as Too Much Information!”
  The world is indeed the shoulder for you to cry on, so sign up today for the ERS Digital Lifestyle Toolz™ and let it all hang out!

Tuesday, December 12, 2023

Makkuyama: Plunge, Impact, and Restoration

Though Malinconico and Scarlatti learned hard lessons after the 980 ATV debacle near Nottingham, personnel bickering at the rescue centre at Makkuyama was normal. Alas, this friction was aggravating to civilian onlookers at the base of operations, which inflamed witness vexations beyond that of the crabby commandos.
  It was then that the Temper of Nadoghy raised the entire mountain into the sky and cast it Chicxulub-like into the abyss at Wicewudu.
An impact event to make the world shudder.
  Chagrined, Malinconico and Scarlatti climbed into the crater and de-rendered the pulverised breeze block and tar paper impactite components. With their synth-orogenic will to power, the pair saw Makkuyama again rise into the firmament, a monument to the purpose of all helping hands.

Friday, December 08, 2023

Un pájaro en una jaula sombría

Stratum Minus IV: El tiempo antes de los estratos

In the vicinity of Richly Rhell stands the dingy farmacia in the shadows of the great arch of Penn Fruit. Young eyes gaze up at the blaring pink neon of the marquee signage.
  Inside, those same eyes have nowhere else to stare but upward. Drab, off-white panels, parallels and perpendiculars hang over a faint electrical hum.
  A flit of motion overhead catches the young eyes with surprise.
El gorrión, the original animal sky-bo, caroms off planar surfaces in all three dimensions, each impact an increasing iota of disorientation.
  The young eyes sense the monachopsistic frustration of the stunned spadger with the soft heart of sympathy vexed by the impuissance of the moment.
  Even if one is an old soul, eyes this young might as well see all spaces as liminal instances awaiting ascription, annotated with thoughts questioning both limitations and latitudes of dimensional postulates.

Atribuciones Sugeridas:
• Alegorías de jaulas de pájaros
• Metáforas de pez fuera del agua
• Hasta la saciedad...

Thursday, November 30, 2023

Editorial: ‘Cartoon Ignites Local Activist’s Hauteur’

The following editorial comment was broadcast recently on Heritageville’s WBLO-TV Channel 13. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the positions of WBLO-TV. 

Really? Really?!
  Local gadfly Morgan Musone thinks he’s being clever with his hurtful cartoon attacking Bodies of Colour.
  I think it’s offensive.
  Let me explain. It takes a great deal of self-discovery to be able to verbalise my feelings about situations. But always phrasing it in the ‘first person’ makes it easier for me to explain my solipsistic worldview. Therefore, I think this cartoon is offensive.
  Enough with this scapegoating of The Other for various and sundry evils in our midst!
  Even the cartoon’s caption is offensive:
  “Why would one knowingly move to a place they hate? Oh: €€€.”
  This looks like HateSpeak pure and simple. I’m not one of Those People but if I were, I would be deeply offended at this, since I’m unable to see any humour in it whatsoever. Whilst I am on at it, let me just be offended on their behalf. You’re welcome.
  Let’s get down to it: The cartoon verges on terrorist-shaming. Mr Musone also could have used a strong female character in the illustration, but intentionally chose not to!
  Now, unfunniness alone doesn’t offend me, nor does having Drawing Privilege. But when a generally shoddy quality of cartoon is combined with disrespect at progressive mascots, then I feel that something should be said!
  With all due respect to freedom of expression and all that crap, could someone just consider giving Mr Musone the sack from whatever job he has? I am not just asking this as retribution for this unkind cartoonist’s violent attitudes but also for the mocking execution with which he presents those attitudes. Thank you. I feel much better now.

— Meghan C., Heritageville

Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Editorial: ‘Sniff Jocker Archetype Must Be Reformed to Avoid Collective Doom’

The following editorial comment was broadcast recently on Heritageville’s WBLO-TV Channel 13. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the positions of WBLO-TV. 

  In high dudgeon I bring to you a stern plaint about the insufferable public behaviour of a group that rates quite high on the Connard Social Irritant Index. I’m talking about our fair town’s fraternal
Sniff Jocker community. Though this is a free country and all, we are constantly reminded that this constituency is the cradle for our future’s leadership. Well, these leaders of tomorrow are playing
grab-arse today! These manlets spew in the streets! They dress like toddlers and foul the collective nest!
  Let’s look at some telltale signs that are mysteriously coincident within this cohort:
  • Making an obvious display of being a Man Impervious to the Elements, he proudly marches through the snowdrifts wearing boat shoes and cotton shorts with his chin smugly held high. Never mind that his goolies have shriveled to naught in his chilly promenade — he has ‘brothers’ to impress.
  • Instead of a casual arm draped over the shoulders of tonight’s ‘date’, clutching her in a headlock is the closest he’ll come to any Public Displays of Affection. This possessive signaling is an overcompensation for Low T as well as a general lack of adult social skills.
  • Any musical taste will strictly be second-hand Affectatious Anemoia; in other words, someone else’s Nostalgioid Opiates, the ‘hits’, and pre-approved pabulum that performs as muzak behind empty conversations in both rec rooms and concert halls alike.
  If he’s lucky, this phase will never end, and he will eventually join his Hebetative Alumnoid brethren in their conspicuous cavort. Who am I kidding — this isn’t a phase at all. It’s an archetype.
  Alright, alright — Adult Heresy is nothing new and the Wankening is quite common. It’s the same all over. But pointing out an age-old problem doesn’t make it go away. If you float a certain way, okay, but overcompensating for your insecurities doesn’t make you leadership material.
  You want constructive solutions? Our town’s Semi-Adult Day Care Centres are already packed, plus their admissions are strictly voluntary. The old man on his third mortgage can always bail Junior out of his pesky predicaments that the rest of us have to clean up. And that same old man will also pull strings for his meritless legacy. What else can we do but cry ‘Shame!’?
  Johnny Gutts laments a world currently being run by C-students. But how much worse will it be under a leadership that needs help just to achieve mediocrity? It’s not sustainable!

— Morgan Musone, Heritageville

Wednesday, November 15, 2023

Orville ComboVac-I Retrospective Unveiled

In observance of the Orville Corporation’s 41-year anniversary (in Dementia III specifically), a retrospective of the original Orville ComboVac-I will be exhibited for view in Lobby One of Orville’s Heritageville plant.
  The original CV-I was to be the Stratum XI successor to the LabVac-2r, with improved telefactor arms for use manipulating the hose and cleaning head.
  The CV-I improved the vacuum’s suckage power to 250w and operated in both wet-vac and dry-vac modes. A hose assembly unit that could be adapted for water or chemical dispersion was also added, with an unfolding water-resistant gamp adjustable to shield itself or other lab assets.
  New to the ComboVac-I was a 3-bay chemical swiller and analyser, an in-demand resource in the chemistry community.
  Another feature was the self-powered directional spotlight, improved over the flawed LV-1 tech demo which lacked an internal power source. The spotlight offered high, low, UV, IR, SOS, and ‘Grand Premiere’ modes.
  The ComboVac-I also improved upon the console interface entertainment system of the LV-2r by providing removable speakers, each with 50w of power to complement the AM/FM receiver and stereo cassette deck.
  Unfortunately, the ComboVac-I failed to impress the chemical and custodial community. Leakage and contamination problems complicated the unit’s effectiveness, and rapidly changing audio formats at the time made replacing the entertainment system unfeasible.
  But as failure inspires true winners, Orville forged further ahead to develop the Standard Maintenance Robot (SMR-01). All previous LabVac/ComboVac models were retired and the new SMR-01 would go on to become the Earth standard in industrial maintenance as well as in specialised intel and reconnaissance functions.

Monday, November 13, 2023

Retro Tech: Tactical Psionic Devices of the Early Strata, Pt. IV

Another early Tactical Psionic Device by the Orville Corporation was the TPD-599, a working Remote Pungeoning Console that superceded the “Land Mind” series.
  The Model 599 improved remote monitoring by featuring upgraded allocators and excisors and included the O599P pharmatronic module, thought capture and signal generator — all advanced industry features available only with Orville products.
  Galba Gwon, VP of Tech Brokering at Orville, proclaimed, “The new TPD-599 provides interface and test capabilities second to none, and our V2K-2569 projector and PNG validation tools are the latest in portable, remote pungeoning. Customers will achieve significant savings in subconscious reaction times with this new model. The theta signal capture and suggestion generators are industry-leading features that safely purge false events whilst vivifying factual events.”
  The TPD-599 model paved the way from Stratum XXVIII onward for Orville in this technological sphere.

Saturday, November 11, 2023

‘Mornings with Rothwine & Dibbi’

Join the conversation with Erastus Rothwine and Dibbi Sincerebro each weekday morning as they take part in live lumicasts covering what they find interesting and stuff. Connected to planetary newsmakers, the pair has some of the biggest names on the air every weekday.
  Each day ‘Mornings with Rothwine & Dibbi’ delivers two hours of breaking gossip, top-level tastemaker interviews and artful storytelling from the GSLV studios on Gokhos Sakima. ‘Mornings with Rothwine & Dibbi’ combines impactful ‘journalisming’ and rich storytelling that leaves viewers more informed, prepared and uplifted to take on the galaxy.

This Week’s Guests:
  • Mrs. Kon-Braga on her First Lady struggles with finding a suitable wardrobe for the High Epopt’s 113th birthday celebration. Rothwine goes over his peen gland biopsy.
  • Irena Doorwuff of Damonus III tells of her overnight success crafting doggy garments to serve the demand for clothing by victims of war in Nebula 1541. This moves Dibbi to tearfully tell the tale of her birthday puppy suffering from the Doggyblahs. Rothwine kvetches about the nuisance of dog dirt on local beaches.
  • Visiting dilettante Meghan C. of Earth bitches about how awful her home planet is and obsequiously gushes over how Gokhos Sakima rules, even though she apparently knows little about either. Rothwine gets cranky about ‘spoilt brats’ and makes the guest cry.
  • Legendary Earth broadcaster Jack Frent drops by and shares what it’s like to call shenanigans on celebrities and planetary leaders alike. Rothwine obviously has a new man-crush and Dibbi gets emotional defending ‘Real Housewives of Gokhos Sakima’.

‘Mornings with Rothwine & Dibbi’ can be viewed on Gokhos Sakima Lumivision (GSLV) weekdays from 0700 through 0900 hours.

Monday, November 06, 2023

Tōmen no Kenen 2: Jitsugen

Classic City Arcade 1123

Mr Arthur toting scorpion mezcal...
Miss Tiff bemoaning storefront sewage...
Mr Buck fine dining at Little Italia...
Mr Dolenz signing at the Wuxtry...
Mr Devlin watching the balcony...
Mr Zack bouncing easy breathers...

Friday, November 03, 2023

‘Gadfly Doctor Delivers Harsh Words
for High Epopt, Media’

Doctor Malcolm Eon, high dignitary of Gokhos Sakima, has issued strident criticisms for Kon-Braga, the planet’s High Epopt. Dr Eon’s disparagement of the leader’s political performance has been well noted; Eon has now broadened his range of reproach to include the planetary media’s dereliction of objective coverage, especially after the High Epopt’s first fireside chat that was aired recently.
  “The High Epopt, in his incessant babbling and frivolity, has baffled the populace to a point of grave concern. As for dealing with the economy, he continues to sit on his thumbs,” Dr Eon pointed out in a recent communiqué. “And this ‘fireside chat’ — gimme a break! Did his mum knit that sweater? And that cozy parlour schtick is all chroma-keyed — his palace is waaay more swank than that! Filled with baubles and macramé!
  “And our blow-dried media shills smile and breathlessly gush over this dotardly doyen and his every feeble pronouncement,” Eon added brusquely. “Both the epopt and his media manservants’ thinking comes straight out of their fanny-packs full of feelings!”
  Now that Gokhos Sakima has been granted novitiate member status of the United Planets, it is unclear how Gokhos Sakima Lumivision (GSLV) and other planetary media will react to coverage by United Planets Media. Under UP member status, all citizens are guaranteed access to UP Media content.
  “It will be business as usual,” Dr Eon said rather pessimistically. “Citizens never get the whole picture. People of the galaxy are tired of Fake News.”

This missive was republished from Eppulon Independent Samizdat and made available via subspace communiqué. Eppulon Independent Samizdat is neither licensed nor sanctioned by any governing bodies of the galaxy. No changes have been made nor original material added.

Thursday, November 02, 2023

Kon-Braga Fireside Chat Deemed a Success

In his four-hour fireside chat High Epopt of Gokhos Sakima His Excellence Kon-Braga comprehensively analysed the work of the spaceward initiatives, threw down a fresh struggle sesh, and hatched strategic policies for expanding metavisional sight for the Gokhos Sakima citizenry. Important tasks were also set forth for advancing the cause of global coherence and external relations to develop xeno-rapport vis-à-vis Gokhos Sakima’s admission to the United Planets.
  The stated ideas of Kon-Braga will make an awesome practical programme as they admit the subjective and objective factors checking society’s advance under prevailing internal and external situations. He urged clear metaphysical motivations and ways for innovating overall progress of Gokhos Sakima’s caste strata furthering collective praxis to the next stage of victory.
  The High Epopt also said that an in-depth understanding of successes and shortcomings regarding our work — the causes, lessons, and future struggle orientations — are indeed paramount, and that through hashing it out collectively it is possible to confirm strategic and tactical policies based on common opinions.
  High Epopt Kon-Braga ended the fireside chat sharing heartening affirmations to inspire morale for the citizenry and embolden their devotion. A sampling:
• “I provide a noble mental and moral presence, diligent work methods, and a people-oriented governing style.”
• “I am wise oracle, kind autocrat, stern father, and convivial brother.”
• “I provide cogent answers to all the Universal Mysteries.”

Wednesday, November 01, 2023

High Epopt of Gokhos Sakima Launches Biweekly Fireside Chat

High Epopt of Gokhos Sakima His Excellence Kon-Braga commands planetary citizens to tune in live at week’s end for his inaugural fireside chat via lumivision broadcast.
  The High Epopt will discuss the latest spaceward initiatives, the recent admission of Gokhos Sakima as novitiate member of the United Planets, and metavisional sight policies for directing global coherence.
  The fireside chat will take place at 1900 hours on The Aftermath 15, 3189 YOLD. Marshmallows will be provided.

Monday, October 30, 2023

Sunday, October 29, 2023

Gokhos Sakima Doctor’s Forewarnings Fall on Deaf Ears

Doctor Malcolm Eon, high dignitary of newly admitted United Planets member Gokhos Sakima, is outspoken in his Cassandroid warnings regarding intentional Entropy Fates in Dementia III engineered by Knaves in Power and their puppeted fools with kleshas manipulated.
  Yet in his exhortations Dr Eon still has to shrug off the constant barrage of ad hominems like “Captain Bringdown” when exposing their pestilent agendae.
  The blind laugh and the one-eyed kings blanch in their weak dismissals of Eon’s certitudes, of which they themselves lack the cojones to admit even exist in denied hunch-form in the recesses of their own thought-lobes.
  But that future is there down the road. And temporal restoratives after the fact are ineffective to deal with timeline divergences that fractalise infinitely once Pandora’s box is opened.
  The terminus of the Path to Dust is then inevitable. Just ask Dr Eon.

Friday, October 27, 2023

Isaac, His Link Strongest

The fallibility of the human factor in mission spoilers is nothing new. But hindsight kvetching about weak links is not a proper corrective without the constructive pragmatism of one with 300 years of experience. This is the Laetitius 16 Clarita factor of a man we fortunately have commanding Academy Uchu.
We should be so thankful.

Wednesday, October 25, 2023

Gleet ’24: Life Script Continuations

Flex at distractions. Stomp and cuss at windmills, to no avail. But it brings unintentional laughs to the bathetic comedown.
  The reified construct rehashes the same pseudo-umbrage you imagine your invisible script dictates.
  The game continues.

Thursday, October 19, 2023

Gli Egocentrici Sono Più Facili da Controllare

As the Validation Quest continues apace, today’s dopamine delivery protocols rely more heavily upon direct electronic stimuli to the neuroplastic cortex rather than the old oppioidi orali methods of Dr Buonuomo.
  But it’s just people connecting, right?
  Solutions via Avenue Pharma are unfortunately taken as facetious smartarsery. And Punge Procedurals can only do so much.
  In the big picture, Control is more profitable than Cure. Plus, it’s more controlling.

Friday, October 06, 2023

Classic City Arcade 1023

Norm Skafan denouncing local falafel purveyors... 
Ms Margo corralling Herb Nearland alums... Mayor Gee taking coffee to go... Mr Jesse returning from Miami beef run... Mr McNeal getting fresh haircut... Mr Zack sampling new Taco Factory fare... Ernie Jr banking solemnly...

Wednesday, October 04, 2023

Cue for the Aromas: Assortment γ

Effluve de la Friteuse: Over the waters of Lacs Seigneurs drifts the smell of burning oil. The rippling sight of a small hut stands on the golden sands as blurred figures carry their red gingham receptacles. A pre-stratum inspiration for Burger Baka.

Les Vieux Livres Moisis: The static must hangs quietly in the air, redolent of a Jimbocho atheneum, the unfurley days at the Little ILL, or local lodge repositories.

Mélange d’Armstrong: The acrid tang wafts through the Wicewudu greenery as brothers Cozzolino, Malinconico, and Scarlatti wave their ordnance in reconstitution of Conquête de l’Ouest. Obvious warnings are acknowledged with a knowing shrug.