Thursday, December 31, 2015

“McPrescott” Comes to OBC


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

  Television network OBC announced a deal that will bring legendary broadcaster MacAllister “Seg” McPrescott to the U.S. cable market. Beginning in February, “McPrescott” will be carried by OBC affiliates nationwide. The programs will be recorded before a live audience in OBC’s Heritageville studios.
  McPrescott himself is determined to bring substance to daytime TV at a time when it is largely dominated by “prole-sploitation,” crappy soaps, and reruns. From the start, his guest lists are comprised of many prominent names in politics, literature, and entertainment, as well as “Joe Public” from Anytown, USA.
  Watching McPrescott on-air, it’s often hard to comprehend that the man steering this dreadnought of conversational snippets is a powerful mogul capable of promoting or negating the very “talent” he is showcasing. But there he is, making even the most worthless guest feel important.
  “We are thrilled to work with Mr. McPrescott, who is a true media legend,” says Johnny Gutts, OBC’s editor-in-chief. “Whether European royalty or a single mom is sitting across from him, McPrescott never shies away from grilling them excessively, or giving them a troll-job, which makes him an excellent fit for our network.”
  “McPrescott” will air on OBC affiliates at 4:00 p.m. EST on Wednesdays. Viewer toll-free call-in lines will be announced at airtime.

Sunday, November 01, 2015

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Excerpt: “Ontological Hygiene: Protocols and Procedurals”

Gutts, J. (1971). Ontological Hygiene: Protocols and Procedurals. Pungeon Quarterly, XXIII(2103). Heritageville: Orville (internal use only).
“...In the Affenmeyer domain, focus is set on high-quality systems for measurements during the Punge Procedural process. Emphasis is also placed on cerebral process monitoring focusing on the front-end and back-end of the mindwipe cycle. Innovative 3D maser-based techniques have been developed by Orville for verification of systems. At facility level, the emphasis is put on the modeling of Suggestion Inputs and neuro-hacking techniques. Psychological sampling and other verification methods continue to pose challenges. To contribute to the evaluation and verification of lab activities and capabilities, expanded intra-departmental analyses focused on sensitive technologies offers significant potential.
  “This study provides an insight to several improvements made to enhance human cognitive performance such as: subject comfort; more friendly Operator-Subject Interface (OSI); appropriate training imparted to workers of all levels; enhanced ability of pungeonary staff to develop action plans and vice-compliant procedures in real-time during normal as well as accidental conditions; refining implementation of Psychic Detrusion and Pharmatronic Applications considering human performance, etc...”

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Life Coach and Motivational Speaker Frent Comes to OBC Network

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Television network OBC announced a deal that will bring legendary broadcaster Jack Frent to U.S. cable television. Beginning in December, “Frent” will be carried by OBC affiliates nationwide. The programs will be recorded before a live audience in OBC’s Heritageville studios.
  “Frent” will bring Jack Frent’s signature antagonistic interview style to topics of self-worth, relationships, and a reality all too many consider subjective. Mr. Frent will be interviewing everyone from frumpy housewives to delusional world leaders who will lend their so-called “perspective” on the most critical issues of the day.
  “I always provide support, encouragement and guidance, but a frame of accountability is necessary as you travel that dirt road between your life now and what you envision it could be,” says Frent. “Together, we’ll uncover challenges that are standing between people and their vision and develop an action plan to overcome their B.S. personal issues.
  “You’ll learn how to better focus on the tangible and how to call shenanigans on everybody’s façades, poses and scams and shred them to your best advantage. You’ll also learn how to use the psy-ops process to reconnect to your most authentic self and discover more quickly what’s best for you.”

  “We are thrilled to work with Mr. Frent, who is a true media legend,” says Johnny Gutts, OBC’s editor-in-chief. “Whether a prime minister or a rock star was sitting across from him, Jack never shied away from bringing them to tears, which makes him an awesome fit for our network.”
 “Frent” will air on OBC affiliates at 4:00 p.m. EST on Tuesdays. Viewer toll-free call-in lines will be announced at airtime.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Classic City “Semi-Adult” Day Care Centre

As demographics would have it, Classic City is rich in idle, young adults. Some have failed out of Uni, been kicked out of Indie Band 101, or fired from Intro to Dishwashing. Even more flock to town with no plan other than to coattail after au courant bohemians, play fair-weather jock-sniffer, posse up with aspiring white rappers or follow the SJW Protest Circuit... all until the parentals stop paying their rent.

  And indeed, Dad and Mum are taken aback at the stark realisation that their “late-blooming” progeny have gone to pot, so to speak. That, and the blunt fact that dignity apparently isn’t hereditary.

  So what are parents to do with their indolent, semi-adult children without having to subject them to Reality? (After all, that would be mean.) Fortunately, the Orville Corporation has a viable alternative: A “Safe Space” of sorts — one that both parents will rest assured foisting their offspring upon and one the kids themselves will be all too happy to “occupy.”

  Orville presents the Classic City “Semi-Adult” Day Care Centre — a sheltered and secure environment that gently fosters “cocooning,” ego-balming situational activities, and attention counseling. This in-demand facility is tailored to all levels of social buffering, providing the curricular experience to minimise your child’s potential.*

  The Classic City “Semi-Adult” Day Care Centre features:
• Purpose-Built Dayrooms with around-the-clock social media immersion and CCTV
• ‘SmartStudio’ provides sensory stimulation/deprivation cycles with De-Sense ‘Huffer’ Chambers, Refitted “Baby Swings,” Interactive Kinetic Art (cardboard mobiles on commission by struggling art students), and our Dance/Expression Space (featuring Orville’s ORV-X Pro DJ Console/Baby Changing Station
• Snack pabulum options are loca-vegevore-friendly
• Sippy Cup refreshment options for Soy Milk, Mulled Chard and our own Blue Ribbon Smoothie
• Sustainable hemp security blankets and nap-mats
• Qualified Staff vetted through APF and OC-ScannTrust

Don’t forget the Orville Daycare and Pre-School Academy available for real children age infant to 15.

*Disclaimer: The behavioural outcomes of the Classic City “Semi-Adult” Day Care Centre’s conditioning of students will inevitably require corrective pungeoning sessions should guardians decide to transition their child back into the Real World. [Speakeasy-Style Pungeonary Bunker on campus (password req.)]

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Why is Baxter such a joke?

Leonardo’s Deep Dish Pizza. Húnán’s Zhōnguó Delights. Mr. H’s Piano Bar & Aquarium Supply. Xiā Xiăo Chuán. Club Frederick. All became a laughing stock in the end. Even P-Bones, the Baxter Street pungeonary, had found that their current location had a depressing effect on what is normally a lucrative business.
  The elders of Classic City commissioned the Orville Corporation to spearhead an effort to change the public’s negative perceptions of the Baxter Street corridor. Orville’s Chief Culture Officer (CCO) and Thought Leader Johnny Gutts had several suggestions for improvement...

Whilst commercial sector Baxter already has one pungeonary, there’s no reason other pungeon-related enterprises can’t ‘put down stakes’ here, as zoning regs are observed.
  Gutts recommends venture, corporate, and municipal infusion of capital, accessible to both the townie/trust-fund hobbyist market as well as upper-end franchise prospectors. Local and franchise businesses have made strides in thawing out their chilly relations with one another over the past years.
  Coincidentally, the Orville Corporation themselves have many a subsidiary that would appeal to each demographic, such as their Culture Transition Services™ — sure to attract the big 20-30 start-up market. (Even the BärteHansa dons would nod approvingly... and unironically.) The older, more-monied demo might be more interested in a SetUp™ boutique, an Orville Ancestral Confrontation Lab, or perhaps a Tauntini’s franchise.
  If Classic City and Orville can both marshal their resources, reassure citizens, and rebuild Baxter’s good name, there’s no reason this won’t resonate and engage potential consumers.
  “Baxter is the future of Classic City,” says Johnny Gutts assuredly.

Stay tuned.

Saturday, October 03, 2015

Excerpt: Days of Indian Maize


Gutts, J. (1974). Days of indian maize. Heritageville: Orville (out of print).
Beyond the long schoolroom windows, lively colours swirl and rustle under the contrast of a diffuse grey sky. The ochre, copper and crimson leaves stipple the yards and fields of Sheffield during the waning days of harvest. Students chomp at the remaining seconds till freedom.
  The schoolhouse lets out this Stratum II afternoon as the furley youngsters eagerly make their way home in keen anticipation of the Hallow’s Eve rituals. The sooty tang of burning wood drifts through the brisk air, complemented by the faint, earthy aroma of decaying vegetation.
  There is the homestead, with the bistre chimney standing against the dingy sky. Smoke rises languidly — a sign of a smouldering hearth-fire within — perhaps the first of the season.
  Several ears of Indian maize are tacked up on a post on the verandah. Their dried tassels and husks twitch in the slight breeze...

A ripple in the ether.
What sorcery is this?
Past and future strata pancake upon the substrate, as simultaneous Hallow’s Eves play out in an unravelling multiple exposure of archetypal figures--

...From the past: Clown... Kong... Hobo...
...To the present:
The Indian maize manifests Mandaamin, ushering the papier-maché-haired, egg-eyed Polyphemus out the homestead’s door in his cavorting quest for treats...
...To the future:
Hero/Anti-Hero... Hyde... Ghost...

The lenchasqueem totem brings together display-mode echoes of self, shadow and anima manifestations from across the strata. And still the pungency of toasty smoke hangs in the night air with the whispering of dry leaves scattering underfoot...

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Cue for the Visions:
The Disembarkening

For Young Merbos, what began as a recruitment phone call received whilst enjoying coffee at the Gristle turned into a decade-long voyage aboard the vessel Reverend Resbo. A voyage that began on smooth seas, but unraveled over the years with mutinies, derelictions, and a succession of captains from the incompetent to the Queeg-like.
  Until one day, the opportunity to jump ship afforded itself to Merbos. And jumped he did at this chance.
  And so, a silent goodbye to his quarters. A silent nod farewell to the remaining ghost crew. A steady final stride down the passageway. A cascade of memories: the success and failures... the high adventures and the doldrums...

  He opened the hatch and took a step out the gangway.

  ...The things learned over a 10-stratum span...
  Another step.
  ...A simple sense of purpose for helping keep a ship afloat...
  Each descending step...
  ...Survival. Accomplishment. Even pride...

  A commencement of sorts...

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Invasion de la Batterie CCXXIII

Long before Seaside Pungeonary was established at Higby Beach, the pre-existing building was a former anti-U-boat bunker from the days of war. Whilst today it sits comfortably snug in the safe replenished sands, back in the Third Stratum it sat with most of its foundation in the surf due to beach erosion. It was then that young Scarlatti and Malinconico decided to breach the off-limits structure.
  Somehow they managed to scale the pilings and rubble to the west portal, which stood a precarious ten metres over jagged concrete slabs that lay in the crashing tide. Inside — in darkness with no power, of course — they traversed the main east-west corridor, passing former powder rooms and shell rooms, guided by the pinpoint of light at the far eastern end of the shadowy hall.
  Though the brief journey was visually pitch black, the sense of history was indeed palpable.

Thursday, September 03, 2015

Blind to the Cycles of Kitsch

Yesteryear’s creators of mass media communiqués were never under the delusion that their erstwhile persuasive efforts amounted to high art in any sense (whilst still acknowledging the occasional well-crafted semiotic meme that transcends the generations).

Over the years, it became obvious to anyone with a sense of perspective that the exhortations of yesterday becomes kitsch through the lens of the current day. But with the combination of the dumbening of modern culture and a withering sense of curiosity, latter-day avant-tards lack the foresight to see that even their “cutting edge” posturing has even less of a shelf life than decades-old homey appeals to selling basic widgets.

Saturday, August 08, 2015

The View from Kenvil: Pirate City

The boys on Kenvil could see it against the horizon a few kilometres down the shore. Silhouettes of smokestacks puffing their white effluvium, diagonal conveyors, conical mix silos... and no sign of human activity.
To furley youngsters of the early strata, the sight energises the imagination: Behold this bayside spectacle — Pirate City.