Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Sunday, September 08, 2019

“People Against Bad Things”

Every week a group of locals meet at Town Square to advocate for good things and oppose bad things.
  They call themselves “People Against Bad Things,” and, as a means of bringing awareness to citizens of Classic City, perform silent morality shows whilst sitting around holding signs.
  “Instead of breaking a sweat and doing something constructive, we’ve found that it’s easier to sit at traffic intersections and hold pithy placards with paralogical platitudes,” says participant Ruth Gopnick. “The vaguer the phrase, the better.”
  The local People Against Bad Things movement originated in Heritageville a few years back in response to the power vacuum created by the splintering of the BubbaCabal and the ascendancy of BärteHansa busybodies.
  Today, the movement continues though the ponytails grow grayer. The ostensible driving force behind these vigils are “bad things” but Armchair Psychologists just point at Nostalgioid Opiates as the unitarian elephant in the room.
  “I sit with these people to give a lot of positive inspiration and to do good and all that,” participant Ted Rant said. “It allows us to live on as people who are against negative things in the world.”
  However, not everyone has agreed with the People Against Bad Things. Gopnick said over the years, they have had numerous criticisms aimed towards them.
  “When we started out, people said we were too negative,” said Gopnick. “So we held signs saying ‘honk for good things,’ and we only got a few honks. I just don‘t think people are very interested in making noise in traffic when they already have things going so well.”
  “There’s just so much badness right now in the world, and when we sit here, we’re sitting against that badness and saying with silence that there is a more better [sic] way to be in the world,” Gopnick said.
  “Talk is cheap,” Gopnick whispered aside. “It’s even cheaper when it’s unsaid.”
  “People Against Bad Things” meets every Wednesday on Town Square in Classic City. Bring your own lawn chairs.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

The Spice Kit


On board Graudonner II, the ’Nuts often relied on a weathered yet sturdy strongbox known as the “Spice Kit” to help season their victual interludes whilst on the road.
  Within, one could find shakers and flavouring agents including the Ten Condiments and such treats as banana habanero jelly and Panax ginseng vials for the morning sesh.
  This vital collection of fines herbes helped the ’Nuts see their way through grueling tours of Rust Belt dive-dumps, with measly per diems, confused hayseeds, and Punk Rock Bathrooms™ — all adding to the regional colour.

Saturday, August 03, 2019

Confectional Accompaniment
to Green Jīqìrén


A confectional accompaniment to the Green Jīqìrén talisman, Crusher of Jaws was provided by elders upon visits to Seaside Pungeonary and Higby Beach around the summer of Stratum One.

Sunday, July 28, 2019

ClassicCityFest CCXIX Haiku

See the gunts onstage
tattooed flab wandering streets
grey, grey ponytails

Schlock artistes galore
arms open: Classic City
is for ev’ryone

Monday, May 20, 2019

Retozando en las Esquinas Cherokee


A splash in the South Fork at Watson’s bridge
Sliding down the shoal splits your chin
The air thickens in the Sunday wander
Somewhere in Waring County trouvailles await
Crumbling brick and parched straw
Spirited cavort at Cherokee Corners

¡Espéreme cielos!

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Fabricated Pungle Plan
circa Stratum XXIV


Clandestine groups that had been pushing psychological boundaries to propagate InfoToxins are against two things: BubbaCabal interference and leaks to the populace.
  By creating an artificial abundance of InfoToxins to develop, credibility goes up.
  What does the new Pungle Plan (as it is currently proposed) offer us?
  It evenly concentrates InfoToxins into proportionate arenas — easily managed by Orthotic Mental Buffers.

Tuesday, May 07, 2019

Whatever, MMXIX.


The generational light bulb is doused once again. Acknowledgment of received wisdom is tantamount to Giving in to The Man.

Parents are no longer puzzled over the withered impetus of their progeny...

Squandered potential... again...

Lemmings leap without considering future’s fate...

Whatever.

Not the bulb. Not even the moth or the bug spray. But the whole rotting gestalt.

Monday, April 22, 2019

A Very Special Episode of “McPrescott”


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

  Television network OBC announces a very special episode of the popular talk show “McPrescott” that will air this Wednesday at 4 p.m. ET/1 p.m. PT. Host MacAllister “Seg” McPrescott will feature an “interview” with Jared Gutts, nephew of OBC editor-in-chief Johnny Gutts.

“You, Of All People”
Description:

  Having lost another job over the winter, an emotionally unstable Jared Gutts pleads with Uncle Johnny to bail out his sorry ass again. Seeing the opportunity for edifying edutainment, the elder Gutts brings young Jared onto the set of “McPrescott” for a grand castigation before a studio audience by McPrescott himself.
  Johnny Gutts could easily feel shame and hide this family black sheep from the spotlight, but instead discerns that public shaming and ridicule — pungeoning, if you will — may well be the (fingers crossed) Optimal Corrective.
  And “Seg” McPrescott is just the man to administer the medicine.

  “McPrescott” is a show bringing substance to daytime TV at a time when it is largely dominated by ”prole-sploitation” and crappy soaps. Guest lists are comprised of many prominent names in politics, literature, and entertainment, as well as “Joe Public” from Anytown, USA. “Seg” McPrescott never shies away from grilling them excessively, or giving them a troll-job, making him an excellent fit for the OBC network. Check OBC affiliates for local airtimes.

Friday, April 05, 2019

Father Bob Holds Court


Messac-era soirée in the Wiegmannkeller:

The quaint Vascetta gypsy shows a touch of class
Tart Nuveti tries to one-up the upside-down Snoopy — what an ass
Surgeon Houck thinks everyone’s blood is blue
But it’s good Father Bob who wins the attention coup

Thursday, April 04, 2019

The Kenvil Putters


A climb in the Persian silk tree amidst the sore bees’ hum
Roly balance-cavorting on a wooden cable drum
June hibachi picnic with thunder under foot
Crafting scrap-wood ropy boat models in the old tool hut

The green atop the sandy soil grand for growing veg
Crazy Phillip and hounds stew beyond the sleepy hedge
Shaking at the wisping clouds he paces and he sputters
Nothing more to see here but the furley Kenvil Putters

Sunday, March 31, 2019

Fornax in Cælum II: Las Ruinas de la Esquina Cherokee

Eduíno y Arnoldo miran la desolación
que una vez llevaban sus nombres
Deben derramar una lágrima
como los Cherokee antes que ellos

¡Espéreme cielos!

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

“Yuh Cyaan Carry Two Face Undah One Hat”

  “The Large Leonard Good Time Hour” was a fun cartoon aimed at bringing together children of different colours and backgrounds. Uniquely, it was one that provided a sound moral lesson at the end of each episode. All the neighbourhood kids enjoyed watching the show every Saturday morning.
  But at the Nuveti household, watching “Large Leonard” was mandatory.
  You see, Mrs Nuveti was a strident advocate of Conspicuous Moralism, complete with its patina of sanctimony. Her kids had to watch “Large Leonard” and let everyone know so by way of maternal fiat. Because it was a “progressive” TV show and she was determined that this would put her in a positive light.
  Likewise, Mrs Nuveti would drag her unwilling children to piano lessons and swim practice to the point of tears. Neither would she allow “Mr Woodpecker” jokes to be told.
  Some neighbours referred to her as “Super Mum.” It wasn’t exactly a compliment.

  So springtime rolls around and it’s time for Block Party LXXV, of which Mrs Nuveti is quick to volunteer to organise. Neighbourhood invitations, food and bev, entertainment — she was happy to coordinate everything.
  The day of the block party arrived and the cul-de-sac was filled with picnic tables, simmering grills, and families enjoying themselves. Save for one small incident involving a furley youngster and a watermelon, the party was a success.
  Or was it? Many attending noticed a striking omission: the Orbinson’s — a friendly family from Jamaica — were nowhere to be seen. Even more disturbing was that the main hubbub of the party was directly in front of the Orbinson’s very house.
  What an embarrassment.
  Was this just an innocent lapse on Mrs Nuveti’s part? Did she ‘just forget’ to invite the Orbinson’s?
  Doubtful. The Orbinson’s literally lived next door to Mrs Nuveti.
  Were Large Leonard to attend the party, there is no doubt he would not be impressed.

Monday, March 18, 2019

Guardiani del Diritto Naturale


Gutts, J. (1965). Guardiani del diritto naturale. Heritageville: Orville (out of print).

Friday, January 18, 2019

Classic City Arcade 0119

Mr Dutch back on duty at Mack’s... Uncle Ernie readying menu... Mayor Gee grabbing coffee to go... 8TG planning art show... Norm Skafan lamenting local media’s decline over a bourbon... Patel associate giving chutney advice down at the corner store...