Saturday, December 26, 2020

Cue for the Flavours: Charr-Nell Joy


Grape: Big League cavort around Platt Plaza's Pride Pantry, Disc Den, and the Dead Fish Incident at the Creked Chemist.

Green Apple: Stratum VI cavort at Patinoire Parkaire's Wreden & Broster chemist and Hobby Shoppe.

Watermelon: Beside the spillway at Crique de Yanick, the chlorinated pool under the sun -- plus, a waft of trópico havaiano cocoanut.

Thursday, November 12, 2020

L’Heure d’Or IV

Golden Hour approaches
and the calm kin no kumo
shudder to roil the horizon
in the mauve moods of Kunitaro Suda

Saturday, October 31, 2020

Victory Honk: Make A Great Noise



Present Day:
    The procession of automobiles breeze by, obeying the speed limit on the four-lane drag through town. All are honking joyously like a train of Dopplerized geese making themselves known. The point of pride? A secondary school diploma. The author cynically wonders if this should be as big of a deal as it’s being made. In this day and age, maybe so.


Stratum XII:
    It was a Friday -- probably late May or early June, down at Ellsrow Street Baptist Church, famous for its televised Sunday sermons. The graduates sit in two sets of choir risers facing the pulpit in the middle. The Morphee Brain gives a valedictorian’s speech that is as awkward as it is earnest. Then the grads do “the wave” amidst whoops, cheers, and flying mortarboards.
    There is a blurry pic somewhere of Malinconico, Tài Lè, Aliyah, and the Wanker in their caps and gowns standing in the church portico. That was it.
    “That’s it,” mused Malinconico. “Time to go load out.” He strode away from the three.

    Equipment was loaded in the early evening and transported from the Crowes to a cul-de-sac in the Country Club Estates. A makeshift stage of purloined palettes from the Inverness Bluffs was assembled at the head of a driveway.
    Night fell and the music cranked, coursing between the students, Solo cups in hand, and their hovering parents, eager to sponge off the youthful energy. A fellow from Blue TV stood by to witness the mirth.
    The next evening: a repeat in a backyard elsewhere in the Estates. A poolside stage with a young quartet churning out tunes they would have scarcely been able to play six months prior. A moonlit aqua cavort of brew khoogs and chicas doing “incredibly naked things.” Of course, the Wanker tried to clumsily crash the stage with a guitar but was duly ignored.
    In all, a basic weekend kegger for the Furley Seniors, albeit one marking their last days as actual seniors.
    Is rocking out on Graduation Day really that much of an accomplishment? Maybe not, but it sure beats driving up and down Main Street honking your horn.

Tuesday, October 27, 2020

“End of Days”

The old Pr0n Orchard Haus overlooks the wrecked lot
seeing smashed crash pads of ’stached proles of nought
and their roaming lizards seek mattresses under rubble
like an hourly Seekonk inn not worth the trouble
forgotten circular pools turn to black from green
and the red naugahyde of Sky’s Place with no windows lays unseen

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Wednesday, August 26, 2020

Fungal Varieties at the Men's Lodge

Let us not forget the grande dame of all the spores on the grounds, the Weeping Conk, who has not returned since her host stump died off for good.

Monday, August 17, 2020

Corona Grill-Out 7

Beef ribs, Low Country foil-pak, High Life, spirited discussion of local political vacillations.

Monday, August 03, 2020

Tales from The Grid — Vol. 1.2



Remarkable Repasts from the Road

Whilst reliance on the Spice Kit allowed the ’Nuts to dine frugally from the consoles of Graudonner II, oftentimes circumstances would dictate a sampling of regional fare.

• Norfolk’s King’s Head specialty: Grape leaves. Dr Carter’s diagnosis: “Dog turds covered in snot.”

• Moroccan Delights in DC: Bobby Mac is not impressed with their “Tejas Toast.”

• Louisville’s Levant Eatery: Gyro stew. For $2 per bowl, a meal too cheap to be good -- and the butt of continuous jokes.  

• Hole-in-the-wall joint in NYC’s Alphabet City: An authentic Polish breakfast for under eight bucks.


• The ‘Lex’: ’Cue capital of all creation. Coarse chopped brown and red slaw FTW.

Monday, July 13, 2020

Haiku: Return of the Herald

The Herald returns
arching the broad protonum
nods tylus: new realm

The call goes out for
tachinid mercenaries:
“quell alien horde”

Saturday, July 11, 2020

“Quarantine” Grill-Out 6

Curried shrimp and the usual, plus... grilled peaches with cinnamon and honey.

Friday, July 03, 2020

“Quarantine” Grill-Out 5

Salmon, red shrimp, white shrimp, ensalada de pepino, Herr Jakob's homemade sourdough bread.

Sunday, June 28, 2020

Jared Gutts: “I changed my profile picture again.”

“I’m always seeking external ego validation, so it’s the least I could do.”

From Jared Gutts’ non-existant superego:

The ostentation du jour may involve armchair sociopathy, bumper sticker platitudes, tartuffian tutting, and of course, le changement d’avatar en ligne.

  “I haven’t left my Gamer Cave [parents’ basement] for two months, but I’m gonna cover half my face for the camera for no other reason than to show that I’m joining in my peers’ socially sanctioned activities.
  “Uncle Johnny always natters on about Cheap Grace, but if it’s free, how can it be bad?
  “He shouldn't question my motives anyway. I’m just trying to bring Awareness to people. He should be glad! He organises National Awareness Week -- if he listened to me I could make it an everyday celebration!”

Thursday, May 21, 2020

Quarantine Grill-Out 2

Low Country “Foil” (shrimp, corn on the cob, sausage, potatoes, Old Bay), salmon, crab legs.

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Johnny Gutts: “What I Know,” Part II

EXECUTIVE SPOTLIGHT: Orville Corporation CEO and Head Solutioniser Johnny Gutts returns to Haute Fresh magazine to share more of his collected wisdom and trenchant aphorisms for 2020:

“PEOPLE WHO FREELY SHOWCASE their own red flags are doing the rest of us a favour. Take note: One’s projected Subconscious Conscience says more than anything in these trying days without shame.”

“THE FREER A NATION, the more likely a man is his own worst enemy. Sounds sucky but that‘s the best it gets, brah.”

“YOU CAN BRAG ABOUT having a Ph.D., and you can brag about working in sales — but you cannot brag about both.”

“PUBLIC SCRIBES NEVER SEEM to realise that the average person cares about musicians’ political opinions as little as they care about politicians’ musical opinions.”

“I HATE TO BREAK IT to young cultural tastemakers, but the ‘Suicide Girl’ look is about as f***ed out by now as the mattress at the local hourly rate inn.”

“IN THE CORPORATE ARENA, the ladies’ room is used for crying more than any other bodily function. Architects didn't plan this — it just turned out this way.”

“ALL HAIR PROBLEMS are First World Problems.”

“AVERAGE MEN with moderate ambitions quit at the finish line, marry unattractive women, and proceed to get fat. Screw that! I say, ‘Don’t stop ‘til you can’t get enough.’”

“THE ‘MANY-WORLDS’ INTERPRETATION of quantum mechanics implies that there’s an infinite number of universes wherein every possible quantum outcome is realised. But the sad truth is that in every universe, Baxter Street is still a joke.”

Friday, March 27, 2020