Monday, July 27, 2015

Lessons from The Häag

A glidâh dispensary, similar in mission as Creamy’s, vigourously plugged their product in the 11th and 12th strata.
  Always an array of colourful characters were guaranteed to pass through — the original Black Moses, “Mr Mayhem” (“Whatcha tryin’ to do to me?”), Frau Geshlekht Terapist, plus the occasional pro athlete and orchestra conductor.
  At one point psychics had warned the baleboosteh of a potential shootout, so mshpkhh mitglider were let off for the day whilst the lower-rung employees were left on schedule. Of course, nothing happened, and the workers there on shift looked at each other, rolling their eyes. No comment was necessary.
  The constant interaction with both the capricious public and the dense management made days at The Häag ideal for youth coming to understand the sketchy ways of everyday dealings with a neurotic society and wannabe professionals.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

“The Phoenix Runs on Caffeine”

Hot Shoppe caffeine icon manifests future projection in 3-D as transplanetary shuttle. A recursive tribute: Successful transit to Planet R renders the particular Euclidean manifold back to 2-D space. Planet R now has a bad-ass coffee shop where the latte is never cold.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Fighting Childhood Obesity: The Orville OMS-2300 MobilSauna™

In today’s busy world, parents often overlook the startling epidemic of child obesity. We rush from home to the supermarket, to the salon, to carefully organised playdates and to the video game store without giving our children a proper physical exercise regimen.
  What if parents could tend to their hectic schedules whilst Junior was already keeping trim and fit?

The Orville Corporation presents the MobilSauna™ OMS-2300. Orville combines age-old sauna traditions with modern design and technology to create your own mobile weight-loss “baby sitter.” Whether you prefer traditional or the far-infrared “hot-box” option, there’s an Orville sauna that’s perfect for you.
  You can choose the interior design of your MobilSauna™ from Orville’s five stylish alternatives: spruce, pine, aspen, alder and particleboard for interior wall and ceiling paneling, and you can also choose the window tint and the tone of the doors that best match your personal taste. The MobilSauna™ is completely insulated and, therefore, quite energy efficient. The two OMS-200SP solar panels provide a total of 250 watts with a residential-style 2400w charger, charge controller, remote and two 12v batteries.
  Easy to tow with more fuel-efficient crossovers and load-distributing hitches, the Orville MobilSauna™ heralds in a new generation of trailers as well as spas. The Orville MobilSauna™ can be pulled by any vehicle from full-sized sedans and SUVs to vans and pickup trucks.

  Children’s health is paramount for today’s parents who are on-the-go. The Orville MobilSauna™ helps mom maintain her bustling lifestyle whilst assuring that her children (and pets too!) avoid today’s obesity epidemic.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Harsh Drag: Ur Not the Boss of U Eithr

Scenario I: At Lac des Cloches, Young Pancoast senses some trifle of which he has the need to direct his umbrage at the nearest authority figure. He gathers Froggie and the gang (who don’t exactly know what he’s raving about) and marches up to Courier One to give him a piece of his mind.
 “You’re not the boss of me!”
 Courier One, accosted by the sight of a group of budgie-smuggler-wearing youth spouting some irrelevant argument, could pause to chuckle at the ridiculous spectacle, but instead shrugs nonchalantly and mutters, “Okay. Whatever you guys say,” before strolling off.

Scenario II: Basic office environment. Mr Stoddard casually asks office assistant Miss Sordident if she has heard back from Client X regarding his proof.
 “You’re not the boss of me!” she blurted, poking her tongue out of her mouth at him.
 Stoddard: Seriously? Haven’t seen a tongue stuck out at me since grade school. And she’s a Gulf War Vet? Oh, wait — she bragged that she intentionally got pregnant to avoid redeployment, so it’s clear where the concepts of duty and responsibility (let alone maturity) lay with her.
 “Okay. Whatever you say,” Stoddard mumbled before turning back to his work.

Scenario III: LeVira the Shut-In prided herself in the stately asylum she inherited, but insisted that the rare venturing beyond its walls to audition for Baxter Street strip clubs was “empowering.” This pipe dream along with the toxic courtship with The Hackler furthered her self-deceptions.
 “You’re not the boss of —” Oh hell, she didn’t even say it, but it was implied through her actions that she was not even the boss of herself, seeing how she lost both Asylum Le Rixe and that g*ddamn ’66 T-bird due to her delusions.

For such sensitive souls who no doubt see themselves in charge of their own destiny, every hurdle is viewed as an impediment (external locus of control) placed by The Man rather than recognising personal agency and self-efficacy.
 As Peter Glavodevedhzhe once quipped, “We’d ask you to ‘get with the programme,’ but what programme could you possibly get with? I’m not the boss of you, and apparently you aren’t either.”
Reality can be a harsh drag, indeed.

Monday, July 06, 2015

Coming Soon: Lick the Throne

Erstwhile brave aristarchs self-geld to become a claque of clapping encomiasts... But with the noses of the court eunuchs firmly buried in the seat cushion, they hear not the echoing silence of their vanishing audience throughout the realm...