Monday, March 26, 2012

Say It With Hair: “Freedom Means Letting Yourself Go”

Ladies of Classic City have long rejected the oppressive aesthetics of beauty foisted upon them by Mainstream Culture.
  A particular trademark feature that these women of a certain age sport is the anti-style expression of their hair: Graying frizz, unbound. Sometimes thin and scraggly like an aging Riff Raff, but more often a thick and dull coat like ruined mohair. Think of Bea Arthur’s shrubbery, if you will, but in terms of acreage.
  Okay, enough with the visuals. What’s important to note is that these bold free-spirits take a brave stance with quiet fortitude against “The Man” (and maybe even “The Woman”).
  But they are “getting up there,” to put it politely. The torch needs to be passed on to our younger sisters. But many younger women today don’t consciously disdain aesthetics. No, they are just unaware of the concept in the first place. Still, they are too young to make their hair do those crazy things. So how do we show solidarity with our older sisters?
  Johnny Gutts has the answer: The Freedom-Do™.
  The Freedom-Do™ is a hair prosthesis that reproduces the exact “look” fancied by Classic City’s elder stateswomen.
  Gutts, Regional Merchandising Manager for the Orville Corporation’s Beauty Division, has worked with cosmetologists, wig designers and other hair professionals to develop this cutting-edge, yet classic lifestyle product.

The Freedom-Do™ comes with a variety of features and benefits:
• Full coverage with strong and durable base cap
• Easy to rat
• Orvalon™ and Prima-Z sustainable fibre
• Washing unnecessary (not that anyone would)
• 5 varieties of “salt & pepper” blend
• Also available as 50-cm clip-in hair extension

Coming soon to Classic City…
The Freedom-Do™
“Freedom Means Letting Yourself Go”

Monday, March 19, 2012

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?: MMXII

“Yes. Again.”

GWC2D:Y2K+12 is a made-for-television movie about the trials and troubles of one Mrs Corbett.
Mabel Corbett, a sweet-natured senior suffering the harrows of dementia, is taken aback by the influx of college hooligans to her gentrifying neighbourhood. Her tokens of hospitality are soon taken advantage of by the clamourous co-eds, much to her confusion.
Through the miracles of social media, grandson Johnny Gutts receives a mysterious notification. What will happen?

Mabel Corbett as Herself
Kitteny Bradford as Herself
Blake Henderston as Himself
Johnny Gutts as Himself
...and introducing
Jefe de Allende Mateo as “The Gardener”
DIR: Johnny Gutts

Monday, March 12, 2012

They’re building one downtown. Is that cause for alarm?

There was a time in the county when Joe Bloggs had a good idea and could open a business and if he did a good job of providing whatever goods or services in that business, he could succeed. It was part of the American dream.

Name one good reason
  No longer does it matter if you have a good idea, a good reputation, good prices or a good location.
The Allied Pungeoning Front wants to open a pungeonary. In the past it was the BubbaCabal who got their hackles up over the prospect of local pungeonaries. Today it’s BärteHansa who is circulating a petition around town trying to stop the APF from establishing one anywhere.
  Back in the day the excuse given for opposing this was that it would cramp the Cabal’s local robber baron “bidness” interests, though the argument had lost most of its bite when one found out that the Pink Boys contesting it had pungled innocent citizens themselves.
  Currently, why does BärteHansa think it okay to ban pungeoning in the face of an acceptable majority-sanctioned entity? Just because they think they have dibs on “quality of life” issues should they try to stifle justice being brought to the community?

They Don’t Want ‘No Stinkin’ Pungeonary’
  Look at the list of projects that BärteHansa has been opposed to: Such “nair-do-wells” as Eastside Pungeonary, the proposed Downtown Pungeonary, the Ghetto Prescriptionary, Bio-Mart on the Heritageville Road and an Orville psychological adjustment facility out near Furley Square Mall.
  BBACBL and Bad Gaijin had been mafioid splinter groups that harassed independent thinkers in their time. But look at the threats to the area’s psychological health that BärteHansa has recently been pushing: the new InfoToxin Dispensary on Barney Scholl’s Road, the Vibrancy Estates down by the Augean Lodge, and Megan’s Sustainable Cupcake Shoppe just to name a few.
  Instead of old BBACBL tactics like Pleboid Gutter Manoeuvers and windscreen smashing, we get innocent-sounding fronts like “People for a Better Classic City” who hijack public input sessions with Self-Centered Public Gushing against imagined corporate poodle-bobbers and other forms of Ego Activism.
  One could suppose that, if the public is sympathetic toward BRTHNSA’s incessant nannying, then we are all quite satisfied with their opportunism and the dystopic paratonic outcome: the dumbing-down of everything cultural, peanut-paying jobs and an imminent psychological wasteland.
  But we are not.
  The public is very much in favour of a downtown pungeonary, given the pressing mental underload of local bêtise arts.
  And the public is weary of the hijinks of BärteHansa’s wannabe radical epigones. Their “direct action” tactics most surely will backfire and the APF probably won’t have to get actively involved.

A Passive Solution?
  One guesses the whole situation could be summed up by something Johnny Gutts once said: “Why pungeon someone when they’re eventually gonna do it to themselves?”

Saturday, March 10, 2012

BärteHansa — The Rising Menace

With the long decline of the BubbaCabal, “quality of life” issues indeed had improved in Classic City and nearby Heritageville. Their power and influence had ebbed to the point where in matters of business, media and daily life, the Cabal became all but impotent, much like Madron FC after last season.
  Unfortunately, in the resulting vacuum a loose, rag-tag assortment of former Easy Breathers, Nattering Nannies and Gray Ponytails coalesced into a formidable SWPL faction that, while perhaps ideologically opposite, rivals the former menace of BBACBL: BärteHansa. [BRTHNSA]
  Indeed, the BärteHansa threat may be greater than the BubbaCabal ever was — after all, BBACBL blatantly gave away their games of cupidity, unable to break free of the Pink Boy stereotypes in which they had cemented themselves. With BärteHansa on the other hand, the rot runs deep with Good Intentions paired with the taint of Kultural Kuru that they cast upon the community.
  The rise of BärteHansa has caused much chagrin for the Allied Pungeoning Front. Having their hands tied dealing with BBACBL mischief, they considered these upstarts benign before their ascendancy. (In hindsight, it is all too easy to point out that pungeoning requires eternal vigilance.)

What has BärteHansa been doing that could be so heinous?
  Well, BRTHNSA individuals’ activities have been noted over the years. While annoying, they were rarely toxic on a macro scale, so the APF’s Emotive Response System was infrequently utilised. Pungeoning was left up to individual citizens to deal with Ego Activists, Stupefacient Scenesters and other annoying anoetics.
  But Spent Histrionicians and Aging Fauxhemians often suffer from Role Strain, realising they’ve lost a mojo they never had. After achieving a black belt in Emo Tae-Bo, they tell themselves that it’s time to Do Something Important.
  And this is where things become alarming.
  The aforementioned Nannies and Ponytails, ever sycophantic to disaffected “youth,” jump at the opportunity. And our Tired Hipsters, ever enthralled with tales told of Radical Boomer Exploits, jump as well.

Ponytail, Meet Beard
  The result is like an open marriage made in Unitarian heaven: Do-gooder control freak fossiloids holding sway over a flock of failed artistes starving for purpose.
  BärteHansa elders hold rancid marxoid views that should trouble any free-thinker. But their skinny-jeans-clad foot soldiers, unable to form an original thought, use the stale tactics of the elders’ youth: street theater, occupation, and general attention-whoring — poor methods of persuasion, and ones very prone to backfire.
  It is this weakness the APF will seek to exploit. Stay tuned.