Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Breakthroughs in Blame: Ancestral Confrontation

In today’s mad scramble to claim Victim status, Mom and Dad have received an undue amount of finger-pointing from surly offspring with dubious “issues.”
  It is high time to reassess the “Nature vs. Nurture” dichotomy to determine accurate castigation for the iniquities under which our maturing young adults suffer so in their lives.
  Since bullying itself has been de facto outlawed, the Orville Corporation has taken a proactive approach in helping the public deal with blamecasting their perceived inherited neuroses.

  Solution? Orville offers not Primal Therapy, but “Primate Therapy” — a clinical setting that lets individuals reframe their personal and social maladjustments towards the context of a greater congenital gestalt.

Come face-to-face with your ancestral roots.

Confront them with the frustrations you have for your own genetic shortcomings.

Virtual Bully Camp at Orville’s Ancestral Confrontation Labs: Orville behaviourists pair you with the right primate match based on a custom lesson plan. Three days of seminars and hands-on bully labs where you can apply Scream Therapy towards your primate match, or just get some aggression out of your system.
  Match specimens range across a wide variety of primates, from rhesus and pavian to chimp and gorilla.

Meet Kurt Meloskee, at Orville’s Ancestral Confrontation Labs in Orlando, Florida. Kurt asks his genetic forefathers:

“Why?”

“Why the chronic halitosis?”
 “Why the libido issues? The sweaty palms, MPB (male pattern baldness)? Why can’t my back allow me more than half a sit-up? Why the homosexual urges?”

Rest assured. It’s 2014. Nothing is your fault. If you stand up for yourself in the workplace, you’ll be out on the tiles… Your wife left you and took the kids, so no easy targets remain… Until now.
  Come to Orville’s Beratement Therapy Clinic at the Ancestral Confrontation Labs in Orlando and give the monkey a piece of your mind.