Saturday, June 28, 2014

The Secret is Out: Orville’s Culture Transition Services™

Why do one-time “cutting edge” youth-oriented factions unexpectedly transition their aging lifestyle into (ostensibly) more mature, more age-appropriate levels of energy exertion in their interests and hobbies?

  For the last 20 years Orville’s Professional Services Division has been implementing their Culture Transition Services™ to help coordinate a delicate, seamless transition of young men and women’s “entire scene” towards a more productive future. Today’s twentysomethings cannot simply abandon their youth for responsibility without also abandoning social circles and self-identity, with the resultant freak-out leaving them empty and even more insecure. We can’t let scenesters trickle off without a note, one by one, month by month, leaving the Scene King without a kingdom.

  Orville’s CTS uses a specific matrix algorithm to analyse subjects’ psychological and socio-economic background to tailor a natural transitional “growth path” for each individual.  For example: The graceful transition of Southern Ohio Juggalos to a thriving bluegrass scene didn't happen ‘by chance.’ CTS experts analysed key players and came to the conclusion that Level 3B Proles would remain ‘within caste’ over a lifetime.

  This is where CTS professionals came in: They offered advice on tattoo updates, incorporating banjos and fiddles, gradual music venue showtime adjustments over 3-year period from 11pm gatherings to 4pm hoedowns, and a clever marketing strategy from Orville’s Energy Drink Division with new drink offering “JUGG-R-NAUT™,” which came with a free corncob pipe.

Pipes initially looked and acted as crack pipes, but over a 18-month time period were gradually changed to actual corncob pipes.  Though the scene remains in the same caste, they are now semi-productive bluegrass musicians, rather than sad, 45-year-old Juggalos hanging out in parking lots.

Other case studies:
• Riot Grrll scene in Spokane 5-year transition into weekly Saturday afternoon Quilting Party gatherings at local community center.
• ‘90’s Straight-Edge/Skate scene in Denton, TX transition to thriving co-ed softball league.
• Transitioning Classic City’s aging BärteHansa members suffering from Role Strain into a benign niche spiral that flatters their sense of narcissism whilst socially sequestering them from the rest of productive society.

These fantastic results don’t happen on their own. Orville’s CTS labs architect and engineer every step of the transformation. Where needed, Orville will introduce one or more SXAs (Scene-Xfer-Agent) into your community. These are trained, attractive actors that your friends will find to be highly influential, and will help you guide them into — and through — the scene metamorphosis. (Oh, and don’t worry, SXAs don’t hang around, their skills will be needed elsewhere... Usually a staged death is their exit, and you’ll be the hero who almost saved their life…)

  Orville’s Culture Transition Services™ kindly lends young people a firm but guiding hand to fulfill their socio-economic imperative. Young skeptics may scoff at their colleagues “selling out,” but look at the alternative: How pathetic are middle-aged folks who are left clinging to lost youth? Or worse yet, those who co-opt the culture of people their own kids’ age?  Surely these same skeptics would call shenanigans on this.

  When we consider the sociological problems of the growing number of middle-aged people still indulging in Xbox with their kids, cougar antics, walking around in khaki shorts and flip-flops, and ingesting Nostalgioid Opiates, both the usefulness and the need for Orville’s Culture Transition Services™ becomes clear.