Friday, April 25, 2008

Gutts waves off non-issue of the week

Leave it to The Media to dig up dirt on even the most revered icons of our time. Yes, Johnny Gutts may be a professional hard-ass who Gets Things Done, but surely he must have skeletons in his closet that we can milk to up our circulation figures, mull culture vulture editors and programmers.
Well, cheers -- you found something.
Sure, Mr Gutts has a slacker nephew. Hell, he has a slacker brother and sister-in-law who are parents of said nephew. How do you think he honed the art of pungeoning and the ability to spot BS?
We learn from that which surrounds us. For good or for nought.
“My uncle thinks I’m a slacker.”
Oh dear, one’s tender self-esteem seems to be determined by the opinions of others. Whatever happened to the “self” part of esteeming?
Yes, Jared Gutts hasn’t a job. He live in his parents’ wood-paneled cellar, writing (what he thinks are) haikus about The Man’s nefarious deeds against Chav Entitlement. That’s when he’s not out getting arse-over-tit drunk with his tosser mates and racking up ASBOs. Can we afford a mere millilitre of pity for the poor sod?
“It’s society’s fault,” sniffs Roddie Gutts, proud father of Jared and brother of Johnny Gutts. “They don’t recognise his genius.”
“He is a very talented lad,” echoes wife and mother Cortnee Wexford-Gutts. “Pass the chips, luv.”

Johnny Gutts won’t have any of this hookem-snivey.
“The bloke is a jakey soapdodger whose sorry lot in life is of his own doing and that of his pampering, boundering mum and dad. I don’t have much to do with them at all.”
Gutts clearly sees through this ruse.
“It is yet another non-issue dredged up by bored writer hacks. These mediatoxins are just another distraction from the real issues of today, like global warmening, the genetic experiments in Heritagethorpe, and of course, pungeoning. I would advise wiser folk to ignore this twaddle, but then, they already know to.”

Hear, hear, Mr Gutts. Word.